when even something a best friend says can be unintentionally really hurtful...so today, in the midst of yet another shocking day, one of my dearest bff's tells me that i am looking for a silver bullet to get over FC...she means all the things' i'm doing, all the people i'm seeing in the hope of finding some solace, and sure, on some level she's right, but today was probably not the best time for me to hear that....
of course, the new Sarah, told her this...of course i promptly felt guilty, but have soon gotten over that...anyway, point stands - what she said, whilst maybe contained some truth, was still pretty hurtful...of course i know she didn't mean it to be, and i know she has only my best interests at heart, but still...
i just knew that FC would text me tonight - not sure how or why, but i just knew...of course he had some news at work today that made him happy (basically his idiot boss resigned), and he told me he would be celebrating with a few drinks (so what else is new?), and i just knew there would be conversation...
so he starts with 'you're a bit hot and cold right now, one day chatty, next day ignoring me, one day texting, next day not replying and i don't know where i stand or how to be around you. are you ok?'...really? didn't i say something similar to him on Sunday evening?
so i tell him i'm not ok, actually really struggling, have taken it a lot harder than i thought i would, not ignoring him but also finding it very difficult etc etc
and so it goes, back and forth until he eventually says 'well i offered to have lunch/drinks so we could discuss it and you didn't seem keen' and 'i am protective of you but i just don't know how to behave'
i tell him it's not that i'm not keen but that he can be brutal at times and i'm not up for that, that he doesn't exactly love talking, etc etc...
then he says 'i think you are blaming yourself and you shouldn't be'...sure, easy for him to say but of course there is a small part of me that believes if he liked me enough he'd try, and maybe he did, i mean, of course he did, until it all got too hard for him....
so i say yes of course, it is what it is...and he says 'you are gorgeous and lovely - i'm broken - end of story'
and i'm supposed to be ok with that? knowing just how much he likes me and yet we can't be together? seriously, that makes it harder for me...harder in one way and in another, i guess, although it so doesn't feel like it, simpler...
and true i'm not exactly spending my time wondering what i could have done differently, in fact, i'm not...the wondering is basically spent on how hurt, sad and disappointed i am, at times, how angry i am, with myself for allowing it to happen and with him, for stringing me along (inadvertently or not, impact on me is the same)...
anyway, i seem to have come down off the ledge, and yes that had already commenced as i had dinner with Mr G Callen and Mr M Deeks
wonder how much of it is him texting me though? and so even though she was brutal earlier, maybe just maybe she's right? and i know on some level she is, but i guess today i just needed to be heard, rather than told...
however, that aside, and you know who you are - i love you and i am so very glad you are in my life xxxx
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