all in all

it hasn't been a bad day...started with a long long sleep (well overdue - seems the last few weeks of drinking with FC, as well as the emotional roller coaster i've been on, have taken their toll)...i probably should have gotten up and gone for a walk in the beautiful winter sun, but just didn't have the energy for that...

therapy, something of a BIG session today....then a wee bit of running around doing errands, then home for some couch time, then up to Curly for my crystal healing session with Bec....

then home, an episode of Dixie (i'm not going to be happy when i finish all 22 eps...) and now my blog...

and until now, when i looked at FB, i felt good...not happy, fabulously ok good, but good...feeling like the pain of the last few days has finally subsided, and sure i'm still sad, and i miss him terribly, so much so at times it takes every ounce of will power i could possibly conjure up not to text him...i so want to, but them i remember why we aren't together...

and we aren't together because he's not ready to be in a relationship, even though he likes me, a lot...yep, so i'm having to be strong because he wasn't courageous enough to just follow his heart...that just doesn't seem fair now does it?

Sal (my wonderful therapist) commented on how similar my life was right now to Nina's - she knows I love Offspring, and she thought there were some very strong parallels...and she's right....guy at work, gone pear shaped, makes work hard etc etc, although one thing i think i can be sure of is that FC won't come running back...nope, i don't think he has it in him, and try as i might not to make that about me, it still saddens me....

but one thing i did realise today (and Sal helped with this, coz even though it was a very emotional session and one where i know she was moved by how i am feeling) is that i 'turned up' in this relationship, yes i did...no sitting on the sidelines or trying to be perfect or taking responsibility for it all, nope, a lot of what i've been working on in therapy over the last year or so (possibly longer) seemed to get a 'run out' in my relationship with FC....

i was me, i was vulnerable, i wasn't perfect, i didn't do the fantasy thing (well, not after our first false start), i went with the flow, i didn't feel the need to control it or know exactly where it was going, i didn't sleep with him, i let him see the sometimes crazy/unbalanced side of me...and yet, through all of that, he likes me...go figure!

so it hasn't all been in vain, and sure i'm sad and can't imagine being with anyone else, but i'm sure he was (as i have said numerous times before) the test run...and there is a part of me that wishes he wasn't just the test run, that he would be 'the one' (admittedly Bec thinks there is soul mate energy between us, although she's not sure we'll end up together) but there is a part of me, that as each day goes by, is starting to consider that *perhaps* he isn't....and i so wish i could find my list...

yes, the list i wrote about what i want in a man, the list i wrote only 4 days after my split with Ben...funny to think that in the midst of absolute despair i could be so very clear about what i want, and two and a half years down the track, i doubt it would be much (if at all) different...

mental note to self: find that list

and so, as my first saturday without FC, and without any contact from FC comes to an end, i feel ok, not good, not bad, not happy, not sad, a bit nostalgic and wondering what might have been, and missing talking to him...on the other hand i'm not missing the fact that at any given moment he might retreat into his head and shut me out...and sure, there were a lot of wonderful times with him, times when i sensed he had so much to offer, but there were also many many times where his behaviour made me doubt myself, did not make me feel special and at times, frankly was just rude and immature...

yes, a small part of me, regrettably thinks that even though i would have liked a very different outcome with him and I, he just isn't grown up enough for the sort of relationship i want...and when he says he had misgivings about being able to give me what i wanted, i can see why....

that said, i'm a wee bit sad, so will crawl into bed, hopefully lose myself in a good book, and hope that the sun is shining on me tomorrow...

nite world x