his loss...

yes i'm working overtime to try and convince myself that this whole thing is his loss

sad thing is: it's not really working...

and sure, i think it IS his loss, but i am also grieving...

i'm missing what had become our routine of contact, i'm missing talking to him, i miss the the idea of watching tele with him cuddled up on the couch, i miss the fact that we won't make risotto together again (that was a lot of fun), i miss that he would do stuff for me and now i'll have to either do it myself or find someone else to do it, i will miss kissing him and lying in his arms....

yep, so whilst i think it absolutely is his loss, i am also grieving some stuff too...

and not just the stuff outlined above, but the hope, the hope that it might have developed into something really special with FC, the hope that we might end up together...

however, as i recounted this to Leah, she reminded me to think about the stuff i didn't like and the stuff i won't miss, but that just isn't working...

consequently, i am sad tonight and not looking forward to having to see him at work tomorrow, when for the first time in months, it will have been 2 days of absolutely no contact...

and if i'm honest, i'm afraid that he will pretty quickly forget about me, and how good things were between us (when he was present and not doing a runner), and eventually my remaining 'hope' that he might sort himself out and give us a chance, well, it will probably die too...

and i'm just not ready for that yet...

so yep, sure i can try and make myself feel better by saying it's his loss over and over and over again, but right now, that's just not cutting it...