sad...

is pretty much the only word i have right now...

sad, disappointed, sad, yep, that sums it up really

as if it's not bad enough that i am heart broken, then i have to see him at work, and not only do i have to see him at work, but it seems he keeps coming up with reasons to see me, talk to me...

deep breath...and sure, when i first realised i had a crush on him, or at least had *some* interest in him, that was nice, but now that i'm trying to put it all behind me (and not because i want to, but because he has drawn the line), well, it's bloody hard...

i'm glad i'm busy right now coz mostly the days go by in a complete and utter blur...there is just so much to do, and good stuff too, so i'm enjoying the work, but honestly, i really do sometimes wish i could wake up when it will no longer hurt...and i have no idea when that will be, but since it's only been a few months, it may not take that long

on the other hand, because i have to see him EVERY single day, perhaps it'll take longer?

dunno, all i know is i'm sad, i miss talking to him, i miss hanging out with him and right now all i can think is that this time last week we'd had dinner, were snuggled up on couch and very soon we would sleep together for the first time...

and then, less than 2 days later, he's had something of a freak out and behaved like a complete and utter bastard, and then, just as quickly as it all seemed to start, it's finished....

so yeah, i'm sad...not inconsolable, as i have been many times before, but overwhelmingly sad...somehow things with FC seemed different, i feel as though i had *done* a lot of my work with him, that i'd worked through some of the dysfunctional relationship patterns and beliefs with him, i'd gotten to know him before sleeping with him (this a first), and for the first time ever, i'd managed to keep the fantasy at bay and not entirely go into sabotage mode...

so yeah, i'm sad, not just because he is no longer around and i miss him, but because i liked him enough to try this stuff on him, and he responded so well - he didn't run away when i told him about the Chris stuff, he didn't run away when i was defensive (i can be when i'm nervous or scared of showing my real self), he didn't run away when i challenged him, i challenged him (this is also new)....so there were so many positives for me in the time we spent together...

and the added plus that i actually thought there really might be a future with him, despite the drinking (he drinks way too much), despite the smoking (which actually i think i really really dislike), despite the lack of capacity for anything resembling an emotional conversation (yep, pretty sure in the long run that would do my head in), and despite his tendency to run away and shut me out (yep, really hated that), yep, despite all of these things, there were many good things about FC and me...

and yet...:-(