coupla days on

from our 'conversation' not sure i'm feeling that good...

i was feeling GREAT yesterday, but today, well not all of today, but now, i just feel flat and confused and not really sure

might be because i had a meeting with him today, might be because i've had time to really think about and absorb what we talked about, might also be because i think he is still messing me around....might be because i still think things are still on his terms, even though for a day or so, i felt good!

hmmmm not sure really, so i'm going to try and sit with how i feel and see what happens....usually, this is a good tactic

so, the conversation! last time i posted i was still so very very angry at him: angry that he thought it was ok when out drunk to send me a text saying he still liked the idea of us and him resigning and moving to NYC would remove one of his 2 barriers...followed up with he promised he wouldn't do the hope thing...yep, guess that promise went out the window?

i wonder if he thinks he broke his promise to me, or to himself? either way, not exactly great for me...and sure i had not, have not, given up hope that things between us could actually work out, but i was working really hard to move on with my life, given his decision - yes, you remember? the one where he said he didn't want to be in a relationship....

so he comes around for dinner sunday night (this was arranged pre his text), we made risotto together (well, mostly i made it and he just stirred in the stock), i vented my anger and frustration at him, he listened (patiently), apologised, said he wasn't happy, his life wasn't on track and apologised for mixing me up in it all....he said 'this is why we should run away to NYC together', i said 'you mean you, or you and me?', he said 'you and me'....

fuck! somewhat thrown, i was also a little annoyed....seems to me that FC is confused, he clearly likes me, clearly thinks there could be something between us, but saw fit to end it, but then, some 4 weeks later, when i am finally feeling mostly back to my good self, throws me a hook...really? does he have NO idea?

anyway, so after i'd vented, we ate, he sorted out the setup of my new pc, yes, that's right i have a new pc! love it! a bluey grey samsung number that is so light and so thin.., we watched tele, chatted, he hugged me and i asked him 'what are we going to do?' to which he replied 'i don't know, do i have to answer that now?'...'no' i simply replied...

and in typical FC fashion he's gone (at least that's my read of it all) into his head...yep! i have to remember this, and not to try and make myself feel better, but to remember how CRAP it was when he used to do this, and how much it impacted me, and to remind myself when i am feeling romantic and nostalgic about him, that right now (and maybe even never, but who would know?) he just CANNOT have the sort of relationship i want to have...

oh yes, one other thing i said to him was that maybe he should go to NYC, sort himself out and when he realises he can't live without me, get back here, and beg me to move there with him...he smiled and said 'do you think it would take much begging, it's your favourite city?'...to which i simply responded, 'well it's not about the location FC'...'i know' he says and grins!

the night ended with a hug, a kiss and in response to me saying 'so no doubt we'll continue this conversation' he says yes, then texts me 'nite x'....hasn't done that for a while....and now, i'm confused!

so reality is NOTHING has actually changed, he's still the same broken (his words) person he was 4 weeks ago, i still miss him but that's getting easier, i still miss the idea of what might be but that's also getting easier...and until this afternoon (when i had a meeting with him 1:1) i really was feeling good.

so what's the message/information in all of that?

i have absolutely NO idea! but i know a couple of things:
a) i feel much better than i did this time 2 weeks ago
b) i am clearer about what i want and what i want is to be with someone who wants to be with me at least as much i want to be with them
c) i am certain that i won't go back until things change, and not that he's asked me back, but i wonder if his little hook is in some ways a feeble attempt? or is it merely him trying to make sure his options are open?
d) i am certain that i want someone to be completely, utterly and madly in love with me, and willing to take a risk, willing to put his fears aside for the chance to have something amazing...

so, until he is that person, well i guess the only thing for me to do is get on with my life! and on that note, in 11 weeks and 3 days i will be half way across the Pacific on my way to NYC! yippee....

so nite peeps xx