seriously...

not too keen to have another period for a while if it's gonna be like that one...absolutely emotional roller coaster like i have NEVER experienced before (and not in a good way)...i was so dismantled monday/tuesday i honestly considered taking myself to emergency as i was frightened by just how sad i felt...and i hesitate to use the word depressed as i know and care about people who suffer from depression, so i would never want to just bandy the word around...but not for the first time in my life, i got a very real and frightening insight into just how living with depression must be for so many people...

i thank my lucky stars, even though i haven't had the best few weeks, and even though i am still struggling to come to terms with FC's decision that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, i am VERY thankful, that i have (for the most part) my health, physical and mental...thank you universe...

well it's friday, which means i have gotten thru 3 weeks post the break up at work, which means having to see him 15 times...well, actually 14, as i didn't go in today...between the period pain, headache and my heartache, i just could not drag myself out of bed...

so instead had a 'me' day, spent an additional few hours under the doona, sadly some of that time was spent sobbing, made a cup of tea, watched the final episodes of Hart of Dixie episodes (thanks FC) in bed on ipad (i am loving the ipad viewing in bed, although it seems rather lazy!), then moved onto Life (again, thanks FC), finally got showered and went to acupuncture, which helped a lot (having been the last 2 Friday's I do question why I haven't found time to go regularly as i do feel much more 'balanced' after each session...hmmm, mental note to self), was pleasantly surprised to find ratatouille in freezer, had dinner and tuned in for footy...Blues won first game in an age and beat the old foe (yay) and Bullies beat Tigers...can't recall such a good result for my teams in quite a while...and have to say, it has somewhat 'elevated' my mood...so in all, not a bad day - in the midst of all that had a lovely chat to bff Leah and received a gorgeous bunch of flowers from my favourite staff member to cheer me up...

FC and I had a lengthy text conversation: he wants to know if i do want to be friends, he wants to be friends, thinks we complement each other and that is rarely found...hmmm so if it's rare, then why must we just be friends? i just don't get that at all...and sure, following wednesday i am not going down the 'i'm not good enough path', but seriously, if he misses me like he says he does, likes hanging out with me, thinks we complement each other, are attracted to each other...you gotta wonder WTF??

anyway, i'm not sure i can do the 'just friends' thing, at least not right now...he did suggest that maybe i take a couple of months to get him out of my head...and if we didn't work together, i know that i would have already done that...but then, usually you don't have to see them 5 days a week, which does create something of a complication...added to which, starting in a couple of weeks, i think we will need to spend a whole lot of time working on something together, not gonna be easy....

so it's not exactly what i would call a dilemma, but i do wonder how my little heart will go trying to heal and move on from our relationship if i try and be friends with him...i wonder 'what exactly' he has in mind when he says that? perhaps that is something i should consider asking him as i attempt to come to a decision...

had my sesh with Lily last night too - and i can't say i left feeling as good as i did the last time, but of course, one of her gifts is for honesty and basically, having looked at my chart and FC's, she simply said 'wrong timing darling' and 'he isn't right for you, even if he does the work he needs to do, he'll never be able to give you what you want'...and in this regard she means in an emotional way....without me telling her anything she asked me if he was controlling, dismissive, moody, stubborn and she asked if i always felt like he was hiding something...not sure about the last one really, although i am still none the wiser as to a lot of things about him, whereas he knows much more about me...

otherwise she mentioned some key dates to look out for and said that my trip is planned at exactly the time it should be, i'll have a great time (of course I will, I'm staying in a fabulous hotel on W55th called the Dream Hotel...yay!), and she thinks he may even leave work around November (although he says he wants a holiday in November)....and whilst a part of me feels very sad to think of him not being at work, another part of me would, no doubt, be relieved....and of course I don't expect to still be grieving what we had in November, but it will be interesting to see where we end up if he does leave....in the back of my mind is the fact that by then he will have been single for over a year, and it might be hard for me to stop myself thinking that he should be ready....

i suspect no matter where he is, the whole thing, could, if i let it, be a complete and utter mind fuck and something that i allow to stand in my way...hmmm, seems a choice is imminent!

other key things to come out of session were the parents - really it's up to me to work out what sort of a relationship i want to have with them and to be my authentic self (cringe...this has always been so very hard for me) but right now she says that they have no idea how to behave around me or what to do...and i sense that, but then again, i am not responsible for them...(easy to type, not as easy to believe!)

and then the work front: she thinks that i need to do more and be more of who i want to be in this role, which will open up an opportunity for more of it (i can't quite envisage it, but one never really knows what is around the corner! as evidenced by the fact that when she told me in january i would meet someone in November but in the meantime there would be some fun with a man...so didn't believe that the day she told me (and not because i don't trust her, i just couldn't see how it would materialise)...and yet it did! so seems FC was that 'fun', although a lot of our time together i would hardly describe as fun: challenging, made me think, made me question myself far too much, but fun...well, frankly, there needed to be a lot more fun!

extract from blog on 8 January after last reading with Lily: always assuming that when things go wrong i have some responsibility or in some way could have done something differently...hmmm and this is exactly what i did when FC decided he didn't want to be in a relationship...

sooo as i near 3 weeks since, i am starting to feel a bit more at peace with where things are at, it seems the row of last saturday night is long since forgotten, and during the week he has shown me a glimpse of the feeling/compassion i hoped he would have...although one interesting thing he said tonight was that 'he had no intention of changing' and i guess i should really listen to that.  and yes yes, i know we are supposed to love people for who they are and accept their flaws, as we'd like them to accept ours, but to someone like me, who is constantly trying to learn more about myself and become a better person, i'm just not sure i want to be with someone who has no intention of making any changes to self? surely it would become stagnant, surely it would mean that we would grow apart? and that's so not what i want in a relationship...

on that note, i still haven't managed to locate my 'list', you know, the one i wrote only days after Ben and i split which described my 'ideal man'....so maybe i'll give it a go now:

 - minimum 5"9
 - intelligent
 - kind, caring, compassionate
 - emotionally available
 - in some way wants to make the world a better place
 - likes travel, learning
 - ideally likes reading and sport
 - has good relationships with friends
 - is successful (in his way)
 - is comfortable in his own skin
 - drives own car
 - good sense of humour
 - passionate
 - preferably does not smoke!!
 - wants to be in a committed relationship
 - cares about other people
 - is not a workaholic
 - has a well developed sense of self
 - has a healthy inner child
 - has integrity
 - is financially secure
 - is courageous
 - is demonstrable
 - is basically one of my best friends; and
 - thinks i am wonderful and loves me for who i am.

i'm sure i'll add to that from time to time, but yep, this pretty much sums him up...interesting when i compare FC to the list: he definitely meets a lot of what i'd like but there are some fundamental things missing...and he doesn't want to change!

so, as another friday comes to an end and i get ready to turn in, i feel blessed for the many people in my life who care about me and who love me for who i am (and sure FC may be one of those but he would probably never meet my emotional needs, and no amount of pretending that would be ok, would ever actually make it ok - i am an emotional person and don't want to have to contain that...so what i need is someone who is capable of handling that...), for my job, for my home, for my health, as really, even though the last few weeks have been overshadowed with immense sadness at times, my lot in life just ain't that bad, and this too shall pass...

nite peeps, happy weekend xx