numb?

i think, sadly, that numb may be an improvement over inconsolable?

yep, it just might be...could be that the hideous surprise period is over, could be the vitamin b complex kicking in, could just be i am slowly moving forward, or could just be a moment of being ok, and even that would be ok, coz in the last 3 weeks, there haven't been an awful lot of them...so anything really, any minute that feels like a reprieve from the pain, well, that's good!

but numb is where i'm at right now...had a very rocky start to my day, which was not aided when not 1, not 2 but 3 things that happened, all of which necessitated attention and time, neither of which i had planned on!....and then, when my favourite team member asked how i was, i basically cried...seemed i just couldn't stop it....

in going back over the day i'm trying hard to see if i can isolate the things that seem to set me off, or the times of day when it seems worse...mornings are definitely worse, and sure, i've NEVER been a morning person so it sometimes takes me a while to warm up, and then, the end of the work day also seems to be a time when things start to get a bit shaky - i attribute this to a couple of things...a) when we were seeing each other, there was a lot of text/chat in the evenings and i miss that b) quite often we would spend week nights together watching some tv show or other, i miss that too but i'm wondering if there is something else going on, something i haven't quite worked out yet?

and then of course there is just the general missing someone who 'did' become a part of my daily life, and sure that is getting easier (of course it is, today is day 22 which means that 'officially' any habit is technically broken), but that's just it: see we haven't eliminated contact entirely (he wants to be friends and is getting what he wants right now) and me, well i'm just plain scared to tell him i don't want any contact other than work related stuff...and why is this so hard for me? yes, i can hear you asking too...

well, it probably stems back to a time so long ago that it's hard to pinpoint...it stems back to a time when i had to look after everyone else, when i had to take responsibility for everyone else (actually one person in particular), it stems back to a time when i had to be a nice girl, and where i was only acknowledged or noticed if i 'did' something...sooo yes, it seems the dysfunctional patterns of my upbringing, with the one person who was supposed to love me unconditionally, and probably should have taken responsibility for her own happiness, yes, well it seems that has gotten in the way of me forming normal, functional, adult relationships with men...no fucking wonder these things upset me so much!

and i am not playing victim, and i'm not blaming her - i'm sure she did the best she knew how (honestly, i say that and mean it) but doesn't mean it hasn't impacted me...and i think for a long time i never TRULY understood how it impacted me, because i never really gave most relationships a shot...nope, i'd sabotage them before they got this far, or i wouldn't turn up, i wouldn't voice my needs etc etc, but no, with FC, i did a whole lot of stuff i've never done before, and even though a small part of me believes that in some way him not wanting to be with me (now) is about me, maybe it really isn't? maybe he did really like me for who i am, even though i'm a bit broken, and not quite as 'together' as i may sometimes appear...seems this didn't really bother him?

of course, his brokenness bothered me: his going silent, inability to talk face to face, lack of empathy at times, lack of awareness about how his behaviour impacted me, his retreating (OMG the retreating, used to drive me absolutely mental...guess that's a pattern too, as i'm sure, even though i can't remember, she would withdraw her love from me which would make me furiously scurry in an attempt to smooth things over - i'm a fixer from way back! really gotta change that pattern coz it so AIN'T working for me), the need to be a little bit drunk to open up (even though that rarely actually happened), the fact that after spending the best part of 4 months with him, i really don't know that much about him, about what he wants in life....kinda sad really, and not through my lack of trying...and in all honesty, i'm not sure how much of an effort he made to really get to know me...sure, i talked, but i could talk underwater...nope, reckon i did pretty much all of the work!

Pam told me the other day that he only wanted something casual (yep, he'd told me that even though his behaviour at times was bloody confusing) and possibly that i was too deep for him, too much...yep, i can see that - his stories were largely superficial, at times work was all he could find to talk about, and a number of his stories i had heard before...and that was after only 3 - 4 months...imagine after a lifetime?

and sure, a part of me really wished things with FC had worked out coz there absolutely is a connection there, there always was, although perhaps, that 'connection' is only because i had my antenna tuned in to emotionally unavailable men...

wonder if, the antenna were tuned in to a loving, caring, compassionate, kind, intelligent, funny, sexy man who was ready to be in an equal and fulfilling relationship would I have eve noticed FC?? big question, not sure i know the answer - of course i don't know the answer, not like my life is like Sliding Door - but wouldn't that be interesting to know?

sooo it's been a big few weeks - i have done more grieving and soul searching in that time than i can ever recall doing, even after Ben and I split, possibly not after Chris showed up but that's a different sort of processing altogether....

anyway, i digress! so numb is where it's at, although writing this post has been (as it often is) very cathartic and i feel a wee bit better...

remaining question is this: can i cut off all contact other than work or will i end up attempting friendship with this man? i'm still not sure how i would do that....but as each day passes, the hope that we might 'be' more than we are now, well, it'll go right?

so, nite peeps, have a wonderful tuesday xx