my therapist

is away for 3 weeks! and yesterday marks the first weekend in probably six or so months that i haven't had a session with her...i wasn't really sure how i would feel about it all, but yesterday was the first saturday in MONTHS that i had a lovely day - i woke up feeling happy

i'm trying to ascertain how this can happen more often, and as i said to one of my bff's Friday, I am not one of those people who thinks you can just 'choose' to be happy...and i'm working through how i feel when someone says that sort of thing to me (usually, i don't take it very well or find it dismissive, or perhaps it's simply a sign that so many people are emotionally unaware that they figure it must be true?) and i'm trying to work out if perhaps it's me, maybe there is something wrong with my thinking, my brain chemistry that means i can't just say to myself 'you are happy today' and i will be...

hmmm, a part of me wonders if in fact, whilst it may be a good switch to have in one's brain, is it also not linked, in some way, to denial and pushing down all the emotions that are real and present?  not sure, think that's worthy of some further thought...

there is something i want to post however: so i got a new pc a coupla weeks ago, FC has been very thoughtful in helping me set it (and some other stuff) up, but i have noticed that the very sensitive mouse pad seems to mean that things i don't intend to do/move, move without me really knowing what i've done and in doing that, i seem to have deleted (wait for it) EVERYTHING out of itunes...so now itunes is empty: no music, no movies, no tv shows...yep! absolute nightmare...this all happened last night

so once i realised i'd done this, i immediately sent a text to FC, who of course doesn't respond until this morning....and that brought up a couple of things which i'm trying to sit with and explore:

 - firstly, my head immediately goes to 'oh great, he's out with someone else (meaning another girl) which means he must have lied to me about not wanting to be in a relationship, really he just doesn't like me'...and
 - secondly, i feel so useless in the IT realm (although i'm reasonably good with your intermediate stuff) and this reminded me of how i felt when Ben left (seems i have a pattern of relying on men for my IT stuff, and it really doesn't serve me)....

both of these realisations aren't exactly good! i mean sure, it's good that i'm aware of what's going on, and sure it's good that i can articulate it in a post, but really, they are obviously both linked to old patterns of behaviour that no longer work for me, and at some point will require further investigation/discussion with therapist...

oh that's right, she's not here! oh well, perhaps a long walk with some running thrown in for good measure, in the sun will help clear my fuzzy head...