so there will be

one last catch up....and only because i don't give up on things, and because i want to set things straight between us...

why am i hell bent on doing stuff like that?

yes, i don't like unresolved conflict
yes, i don't like the idea that he might hate me (this is a difficult one to get around)
yes, i don't want there to be discomfort at work (and i have questioned if things would be different if we didn't work together)
yes, i don't really want to be angry at him or hate him, even though there are times when i think it might be easier to get over him....

i've had pretty much a whole day of reflection time, and other than a run in the sun mid afternoon, i can't say i feel much clearer....i feel sad tonight (sunday nights are especially difficult, as not only did we spend a lot of them together but it also means the dawn of a new week and having to be confronted with him, which just reminds me that 'we' are no more)....

not only do i feel sad that i'm missing a man who really didn't treat me that well, and sure, not intentionally, but still, he was at times cold, callous, mean and since he knew from the get go he didn't want to be in a relationship, he should have been man enough to do nothing...and yes, i am responsible for allowing it to happen, but still....there were times when he really did seem happy and times when he pursued me so relentlessly, what else could i do but assume that he had changed his mind?

as i sit here typing, trying hard to hold back the floods of tears (although so many of them have fallen in the last fortnight, yes it's been 2 weeks) that are building up, i wonder just how many more of these hurtful and failed relationships i must go through before ending up with someone wonderful...

and even though i don't think it possible right now, seems everyone else in my life does, and even though i wonder if on some level i'm still broken and unlovable and just not good enough, nobody else believes that...so i guess that means it's up to me? to get to a point of knowing i am worth it, to believing that i will meet that special someone and that all of this pain has not been for nothing...

but honestly, i don't believe it wholeheartedly....and i don't really know how to go about fixing that or believing in myself when ALL of the evidence of relationships suggests that...and sure i pick the wrong men, well, certainly the ones that stick around for a while, mostly the good ones, i've pushed away before they've found me out, but there haven't been any of them for a while....nope, seems the radar, right now, only picks up the broken ones, the ones that will never be able to give me what i want and i turn myself in knots trying to make them love me....at least FC did/does really like me, at least he said it wasn't about me but about him, but still, i'm not sure i believe that....

and last night has really destabilised me - i was finally starting to feel a bit more myself, a bit less sad, but now i just think that he hates me and thinks i'm damaged.....and that is eating away at me

anyway, that's how i feel in this moment...i guess in time, it'll be good to have it posted so that i can look back (as i invariably do) and realise how much has changed and how far i've come...

nite x