improving but still, there

are things that make me sad...

so i just watched this seasons final of Offspring, and of course, having felt like in some way, Nina's life was running a somewhat parallel story to mine, i'm a wee bit sad that FC hasn't come back to me with some big gesture of how much he likes me and wants to be with me...

on the other hand, having just written (well re-written actually) my list, well it seems that in fact, FC falls short on a few of the things that REALLY are important to me...and sure i spent a few months overlooking those before, but i don't think i can kid myself anymore...

nope, they are important things to me, and i think my desire to be in a relationship overrode my desire for what i actually want, and to be in a happy relationship...see other than when i'm actively grieving (which has been the last 4 or so weeks), well i'm usually sensible enough and like myself and my life enough to remind myself that being happily single is FAR better than being unhappily coupled, and i need to remember that

i need to remember how soul destroyingly painful the last few months of being with Ben were - when i was in a relationship but had NEVER felt so bloody lonely in my entire life...yep, absolutely do not want to feel so desperate to be in a relationship that i fall into that again, and i suspect that my 'longing' for things to work out with FC, was mostly (although there were definite things i liked in him, and definite attraction and chemistry)  about the dream, and less about him and who he was, or how he made me feel...

sadly, mostly how i felt when i was with him was anxiety, confusion, and i constantly got mixed messages...which only left me questioning myself...

so, yes, i'm sad occasionally, and i miss him, and tonight, knowing he's out drinking i both fear and would like him to make contact....but perhaps it would be better if he didn't, then at least i have NO chance of being sucked into what he wants...which is to have me as his friend, to have me at his beck and call, and really, whilst he might get what he wants, i am absolutely NOT getting what i want...

methinks, it's getting a) very close to bed time and b) very very close to telling FC that the only contact we can have is at work....maybe he was right last week to suggest i took a few months out to get him out of my head, although as i type that i think it's a wee bit arrogant! hmmm, yes, i've created that!

anyway, i'm tired, it's still early, but i'm taking myself to the boudoir...

bon soir xx