my notes...

for what i want to say to FC, if i have the courage to go through with it...

'i have resisted this for months.  thinking that if i said it you would think i was closing off the possibility of us.  but i need to trust...trust that if we are supposed to be, then we will be, no matter what i do.  the mixed messages, me always being there for you, you not being there for me, the dropping out of conversations, the going silent just isn't working for me....i have given you and us my all and that still isn't enough to convince you to take the plunge...i have no idea if we could be together but i saw enough to want to really give it a try, and yet, we didn't really, because...well you know why.  you still like the idea of us but in reality are no closer to being able to have the sort of relationship i want.  i want the fairy tale, i want someone who is absolutely crazy about me...someone who feels about me the way i feel about them, who will take a risk... you want to be friends, i have always wanted more than that....spending time with you makes me realise how good things are (when we are together) and it makes it difficult for me

i wanted to give things a real go, you don't...

so i think that means since neither of us can have what we want, perhaps what we both need is some time and space.....you need to sort your head, to get to a place where you feel happier and without me as a complication

i see no other option for us FC?

but i would like work to be good, we get on well, we have to work together and i enjoy working with you...so if we can keep that good, i guess, well, that's what i'd like

of course i have no idea if i will go through with this - perhaps i'll get his version of what 'friends' is - which is what is supposed to have happened last week....

i know i should do this, for me, but i am resisting...so my task is now to work through what is at the heart of that resistance...yep, not gonna be easy, but perhaps it's because i think he'll just move on and forget about me (whereas i take things to heart so it won't be that easy for me), or perhaps it's the fact that i am over being single and would so dearly love to meet someone to share my life with, and for a short time, FC was a possibility! and sure, when i really look at FC and who he is, well, he falls short in a number of key areas, and yet i still like him, so seems some of my old patterns are still at play....

so lots to think about before sunday - not that he's even confirmed if we have plans - and unlike last week where i contacted him to confirm, this week the ball is in court....so i'm going to muster up all my willpower...

and on that note, i'm taking myself to bed...i'm sad, i'm struggling today and even though i know what i need to do, and know that i would prefer to make this decision than have him make it for me, still the resistance lingers...