so the consensus...

of the 'outside help' is that FC is just not right for me, not that I'm not right for him, nope, that he is not right for me...

i had the most amazing session today - a new friend, Lee-Anne recommended her kinesiologist/intuitive to me and i must say, this woman, Pam, was amazing...

she asked me why i was there - i told her i was sad following a relationship break up and that was about all she needed...

i spent nearly 2 hours with her and in that time we talked about a lot of my patterns, the issues with my mum, which have led to my patterns with men, looking for love and approval in all the wrong places, attracting emotionally unavailable ones (just like she was to me growing up)...fuck! i'm always astounded when someone i have told nothing to, can tap into what's going on for me and what i need to move forward...

she also mentioned that i had a lot of guides and that i needed to rely on them more...she described it as letting them do the dirty washing for me and then being able to give me back a comforting and clean blanket to wrap myself in...i like that analogy - she knew without any mention of it, that i had a parking fairy (and i do!)

i can't possibly document the entire process, but suffice it to say, she tapped into FC's energy too, she says she thinks he wasn't looking for anything more than a casual relationship, she thinks i am too much for him (in a good way meaning i am more than he can handle, not that there is anything wrong with me), that he will ultimately see not being with me as a loss and that his higher self wanted to make sure i knew he didn't intentionally set out to hurt me...which of course i already knew, although at times in the last 3 weeks that hasn't really made things any easier....

she worked with me to align what i want, to rebuild or create my missing chakras, and told me that pretty soon i would not see FC as anything other than how i saw him 6 months ago - which in some ways is a bit scary given how much time and energy i have invested in him, in a what would be 'us'....see six months ago, which is early January, i had hardly said more than a handful of words to him and he was just simply another person at work...i honestly can't see that it could go back to that, especially as he really wants to be friends...of course, i'm unsure if i could really do that...my biggest fear (yes, not sure if i've said it but i think i need to be honest with myself) is that he will meet someone, i'll hear about it and i'll feel left behind all over again and worse, not good enough because i'll see it as him having chosen someone else and not me....

nope, that is a place i just do not want to go to...

so the consensus of my external aides, Sal, Leah, Bec, anyone I've told about him, Pam and Lily is that he isn't good enough for me, emotionally he could never give me what i want and need in a relationship, that even if he does his work, it won't be enough and ultimately his lack of desire to grow will mean i tire of him...

it sounds so harsh when i write it down, and of course, there is a small part of me that can see how they might see that...especially when in a conversation last night he told me he had no intention of changing himself...this in response to me telling him i wasn't going to change a part of myself i liked (not the entirety of who i am!)...and it got me thinking: the man i want to be with, will want to continue to learn and grow and develop, both individually and as part of an 'us'....so seems, there are a few things about FC that i'm starting to really see for what they are...

and sure, of course i like him still, i like him more than i care to mention actually, and the hope of what he might be in my life, and the future we could have together, yes, they are still very much alive...but it seems my wont to dream has perhaps gone a bit beyond the reality with FC...and sure, i'd like nothing more than for him to do his work, come back and ask me back...right now, that's what i think i want right now, but who's to say how i'll feel in a week, a month?

anyway, we've had some interesting chat in the last day or so but me expressing that it was a shame we didn't get to watch and dissect Life together has prompted him to say 'bugger - please stop making me do the miss you thing'....interesting! doesn't he realise i can't influence how he feels and this from the man who told me only last night that he misses me....and in that moment i realised that i need to be with someone who can hold my expressions of emotion, whether they be happy, or sad, or disappointment or anger...seems FC has never had a capacity for that....

and so another day comes to an end! largely it's been a good day, one of much nurturing and reflection and a LOT of watching tv (always good for me when i need to regroup)....i suspect tomorrow will be a bit more of the same, as well as tea with Rach (yay, haven't seen her since before Xmas...oops!)....

but point was, i got through another day and having just watched a movie that made me very sad, i'm not sure the tears were for FC....

ps still haven't landed on whether or not we can actually be friends....hmmm, not sure! although he has offered to help me set up new computer and universal remote and he's downloaded S2 of Life for me...yay!