priority...

so it's not often i would write a blog where i commented on how insightful a comment from my boss was, but yesterday, she blew me away with something she said, and admittedly, it wasn't directed at me, but i took something from it, something positive i think...and don't get wrong, i like and respect my boss enormously and we get on very well, but there are times when she doesn't let on how thoughtful and insightful she is...well i got a glimpse of that yesterday, it was nice!

see we were talking about her EA (who's partner shipped out today for 6 months), and it's true to say that theirs has been something of a 'rocky' relationship...seems my boss doesn't believe this guy is good for her, and so after she said something callous like 'the sooner he goes the better, then she can put him behind her' - i didn't bother to mention that he was shipping out for a few months, not dead!

anyway, i digress...after that, she said to me that she had spent 20 years in a bad marriage and when she came out of it her standards were really low (i can totally relate to that), and then she said that until she met her current partner, she hadn't realised that previous men hadn't made her a priority and that her EA's boy had never made her a priority...and there was no point being with someone who didn't make you a priority...

and you know what? i think she is onto something there - and of course, i'm sure if i were on the outside of my relationship with FC, i would have said the very same thing about him - he simply NEVER made me a priority in his life...and i let that happen.  sure there were a couple of weeks where he did, but then he retreated big time...and now, now that he has decided he doesn't want a relationship (which is what i have wanted from the get go) he wants to be friends, and right now, i'm letting him have his cake and eat it - why? not a great deal of positive in it for me really...i never wanted to be just friends.  sure i wanted a relationship bsaed on a strong friendship, but that's NOT the same...so right now, he's getting what he wants from me, but what am i getting? need to really consider that, and before it's too late i probably need to reconsider the computer shopping expedition with him that is currently scheduled for sunday (of course, i would prefer someone else to help me buy a new one and set it up...true, i would)...

and of course, i'm not only not on the outside, but heavily involved and invested - in fact, and i hesitate to admit this, but i suspect it's true, that i was really starting to fall in love with him....despite the retreating and the inconsistent behaviour - the good times really were good, and i saw a side of him i really liked....so, that has obviously been difficult (not only to admit) but also to wade through post his decision....

and i would NEVER admit this to him...a) what would be the point and b) it would mean i have even less 'power' in the relationship, the one that remains that is, and i already feel largely powerless, coerced in some ways, and not by him, but because we work together i don't feel like i am doing EXACTLY what i would be doing if i didn't have to see him...hmmm, this is not good, and i suspect is a VERY big part of why i am finding the whole 'getting over him' (although i loathe that expression) very difficult....

so another day done and i don't mean to wish them away, although there have been many times in the last few weeks where i longed for a fast forward button, but they say (who they are i have NO idea) that the greatest learning often comes in times of great pain...yeah yeah, well i'm over the pain! but truth is, i don't feel quite so sad this evening, in fact, after a very busy and productive day at work, and a wonderful massage/reiki sesh with Sharon, i'm feeling pretty grounded and a bit more like Sarah...

and i got 2 emails, from women i have recently met and connected with and suddenly i am remembering why people like me, why i have some amazing friends in my life....

so FC, i am slowly moving towards regrouping after the time we spent together, and eventually not only will i get over you, but over the hopes and dreams i had for us, and ultimately, you will be the person who misses out on just how delightful and wonderful (yes, your words) i am...i was willing to give you my all...so i'm sorry you won't actually get to experience that, shame really coz i think if you'd tried, it could have been something pretty good....oh well!

anyway peeps, hope you've had a good tuesday and i hope wednesday is a happy and fulfilling day ahead x