wake up call

which is an ironic title for someone who got no sleep last night...

so after a big session at therapy, seems lots of things were on my mind and the realisation of just how many losses i've had to endure in the last 3 years (turns out there's really only been one 7 month period where things were good, stable) really got to me yesterday, resulting in me feeling flatter than i had in a little while....so a good cry in therapy, another on the way home and i felt much better before settling in for 3 episodes of the killing - man i love that show! only the finale to go...

so basically where i'm getting to is that i felt ok, not jumping for joy good, but ok...then i noticed a text from FC, asking me to bring a usb stick to work so he could copy west wing onto it for me...we had conversation of sorts (conversations with him are only real conversations if he feels like it), and then he announces he's going to ny for xmas/new year and that just upset me, and sure, it probably shouldn't but hey, i'm human.....we had a shared interest in ny, we talked about going there together so hard for me to have forgotten all that...anyway, turned out we got into a stupid conversation (yes, i'll accept some responsibility for that) and then he says 'you never tell me what you feel to my face and that he'll keep things on the work level as he has tried everything with me and nothing works, and that i misinterpret everything'...yep, some big accusations right there...

this from the man who can NEVER express how he is feeling, and who misinterprets things more than me i think, although it doesn't matter really....so i email him this morning, after a sleepless night (thanks! not) and tell him that he should just have told me if that's how he felt...but no, he stores it up and in one stupid conversation he says 'i'm sticking to a work relationship'...what childish behaviour, really...

so today i manage to hardly see him all day (this is rare given how much we are working on together right now), then he drops by just after 5 to show me something and i give him the usb stick...then i leave

i had a long chat to leah on the way home, after crying on one of my staff at lunchtime (exhaustion probably the biggest contributor to that now i look back on the day) and you know what? i feel WAY better....i no longer have that bereft feeling i had initially...and reality is this: we already have, essentially, just a work relationship and because i so desperately wanted to continue to be more to him than just a colleague, i've tried to smooth the waters every time it looks bumpy

but fuck! i think i'm done...all of my spiritual healers have said (without knowing anything about him) that he's manipulative - the latest one referred to him as manipulative and messy! well, i reckon she's spot on...

so, then tonight, the man who's keeping things on a work level sends me at least 4 emails which in my opinion aren't really work related - sure they started off with something work related but then weren't....

and he wonders why i'm confused, why i sometimes misinterpret stuff....

one of the emails and this is surely a cry for some sort of attention is suggesting that 'birthday's just aren't fun anymore' coz he insisted i have a meeting with his boss and i've suggested tuesday...which of course, is his birthday....

it's another of his hooks....my god, so i think tonight was a wake up call - i've seen through some of his crap - he reacts, pushes me away and then seems to be ok the next day and until today i've beaten myself about that, about what i did wrong, about what i could do differently, but nope, now i can see his manipulative little game for what it is....

so i've not only had a wake up call but for a moment earlier this evening, when i was really angry and so tempted to email him to say that other than work i wanted nothing to do with him, and for a little while i felt like i actually believed that..i'm now wondering if in some way i've dodged a bullet with this guy?

and sure i liked him, but the more i see his behaviour for what it is, the less appealing he is frankly....

so, wake up call indeed, and sure last night's sleeplessness wasn't any good, but probably a necessary evil as i thought through the whole thing...

anyway, i'm going to bed now, hoping for a better night's sleep and the only wake up call i want tomorrow is my alarm clock!!

nite peeps

ps am off to visit the bff in coffs tomorrow! yay xx