r u ok?

actually, today i'm not doing so great...

so after ..nearly 2 weeks of not feeling well, i'm a bit over it, and sure i'm getting better but i still have congestion and a cough...over it!

tough  day at work and i am feeling stressed...v v stressed! and seems no matter how many hours i or my team do, we still don't get through anywhere near the workload...and then to top it off, there continue to be questions about something which isn't due for well over a month and i am feeling overwhelmed and pressured, and a little bit unsupported - repeated requests for something seem to fall on deaf ears and i'm just left feeling like what my team and i do isn't understood or valued at times...

add to that an email from someone to 2 very snr ppl which doesn't paint me or my team in the best light and i'm over it...over the pressure that having a big job sometimes brings, and frankly, i wish i could just curl up, go to sleep and wake up in a somewhat different looking life...

perhaps a life where FC and i are living in NYC and i'm a therapist and he's doing whatever he's doing - i know what he'd be doing, but am conscious of not writing too much here about him (me and him yes, but just him, no) as it's really not appropriate to do so...and of course, as if i could really be with someone like him and be a therapist - nah, just wouldn't work...

so today, we end up in a conversation, i share with him something, including how it's made me feel and of course he basically leaves the conversation - why the fuck does he do that? surely, he could attempt to be supportive? especially since he's the one that banged on for so long about wanting to be friends...well frankly, you don't cut it as a friend FC...

and occasionally, like tonight, when i was feeling tired, overwhelmed and frankly, wishing there was someone at home for me to talk to, to download to, i feel really sad that things didn't work out, even though i'm pretty sure he wouldn't have been the person to listen and really hear me...but still, on some level i still miss him, and seeing him every day, working so closely and so well with him, sadly, only serves to make it more difficult some days (despite the success of earlier this week where i managed to establish some boundaries)....and as my new naturopath (i like her) says, there is, sadly, repeated and constant trauma....

it's true, there is, no bloody wonder i'm exhausted, no wonder i sometimes want to curl up and never wake up, or run away to somewhere where he won't be, where there won't be constant reminders of him or what happened - and really, what happened is that even though he liked me (likes me i guess), i wasn't enough for him to want to be in a relationship - nope; he still wants to be in his selfish phase (his words) and that just hurts...no matter how i look at it or try and sugar coat it, bottom line, he didn't want to be with me....

wants me to text when he's got something to say but really it's a one way street with him and despite a coupla months where he really tried, probably always has been....and so that leaves me feeling sad and angry and angry enough to want to write a list to him of all the things i'm angry about...but really, where would that get me? absolutely nowhere is where...

however, the thing i am most angry about, the thing i seemingly can't seem to let go of is this: he said from the get go he didn't want to be in a relationship and yet he never had the willpower or strength to walk away, even though he knew i'd eventually get hurt...bastard...nope, instead he led me on, sought me out and basically allowed things to move well past 'friends', until he had me where he wanted me, and then he decided he wasn't ready for a relationship....selfish and hurtful...and yes, i'm still angry

although it occurs to me that monday will be 3 months since we actually split and of course, the very best thing about that is realising that yet again, i've gotten through it...and sure, today i'm sad, and feeling very lonely and very vulnerable, but mostly, i've been much better in the last little while...and even though it's been 3 months and in some ways i feel disconnected from him, there is still something there...and it's more than a good work relationship, or is it?

i have no real clue to be honest...anyway, r u ok? is where i started this post and honestly, i didn't feel great this morning, bit sad, day ok until about 6pm when i read an email that upset me and made me question myself (although managed to nip that in the bud) and then the descent into feeling sad about him..so it would seem that even tho it's r u ok day? it still isn't socially acceptable to tell people you're not ok and i hate that...as a person, as a therapist and as someone who wants the world to be a better place, i hate it!

so to anyone reading who isn't ok, i hope you have someone to listen, someone who cares about you and i hope that someone who really cared about what you would say asked if u r ok today...

nite peeps, am hopeful that tomorrow will be a much much better day xx