the fat lady has

bow definitely sung, and maybe it's just my take on things, but i think she has...

and that might well explain my lowered mood all weekend...:-(

so i finally get a response from him early yesterday morning which i think (and of course i don't know) is his way of saying he doesn't actually want to maintain contact with me outside of work...and sure he didn't say that, but i think that's the gist...

so, now is the time for me to be strong, to remember that in fact that's what i have wanted since the get go (post breaking up) but have been too afraid to say, that i'm the one who has removed his number from my phone and that on the whole, i'm the one who has avoided initiating texts and out of work comms...

so really, NOTHING has changed, and yet i sense that it has - i feel that he has now removed the band aid entirely and of course to me, that feels, very final

and i hate final! oh yes i do, and i have racked my brains trying to work this out but i suspect it has something to do with my childhood experience of abandonment and not being good enough and reality is, this feels like exactly the same thing...

i wasn't good enough for him to really take a chance so he's now upped and left...and sure this might be my take on it, it might simply be that he isn't ready but does in fact really like me, but either way it's academic and doesn't really matter...bottom line is: it's over, i need to put him behind me and move on

and yes, i've been trying to do that, and in fact achieving that in recent weeks, and then i stupidly allow myself to be sucked into a 'dinner' with him so that we can 'talk' - yep, very very silly and frankly i should have known better...when have we EVER talked when we set up such a meeting? never is when

fuck fuck fuck, and i was doing so very well before wed...of course wed was also the day that georgie gti arrived and she comes with a wee bit of sadness in that he has a gti, he came with me to buy her, he negotiated the price etc etc...so it's difficult for me not to be reminded of him every time i get in her, but i must admit that it is short lived, as once i'm in and driving, i love it so much, pretty much all thoughts of him disappear...

so now what to do with the middle of the night and early morning thoughts of him? mostly, i can keep thoughts of him and what might have been (yes i know, i haven't yet managed to entirely let go of the dream, the hopes - in time though right?) at bay, but it seems that when i wake up at 3am (yes, this now, sadly, seems to be something of a daily occurrence) he is the first thing that enters my mind and it's difficult to focus on something else - time and practice i guess will help....

so i didn't have the best day and of course i am left feeling a wee bit guilty that i wasn't my usually vibrant exuberant self for Father's Day with my Dad, but then what can you do? i've never been one who could pretend to feel happy when i'm not and frankly, i'm not sure that i want to be someone who can do that, at least not too easily, although i can definitely see the benefits of being able to carry that off! for one i could be an actress...ha!

well i'll say one thing for FC, he has certainly gotten under my skin...who'd have thought it and a chain smoker (just about) too? fucked if i know how i let that happen..not to mention how he treated me...

yep! lots for me to reflect on, lots for me to learn and lots for me to look forward to in the next relationship....also wonder if half the reason i felt so flat today was because i am coming down with something? my poor little throat is beyond sore :-(

hope it's all better by tomorrow as i have a bloody big week at work ahead....

nite peeps, thanks to all of you who drop in x