oh ny god! i thought i liked to analyse things to death, to talk about stuff until there was nothing left to talk about (and i do, this is true) but seriously, i think FC takes the cake sometimes...
so today, as i drove to work in my new car (i LOVE her!) i gave myself the pep talk - he's only a work colleague, he isn't right for you, the relationship never really worked etc etc so that i could continue with my positive mood and 'moving on' phase...
so this was all going very well until his birthday present arrived on my desk....and having not seen him for 3 days, well he was, admittedly, a bit out of sight, out of mind and i liked it! yes, it's true...i enjoyed work far better knowing i wouldn't run into him, knowing i wouldn't have to see him...even though we are getting on very well at work....
so the very minute it arrived i felt my happiness seep from my body, i felt that familiar 'rush' in my stomach and before i could sit and realise what was going on i'd sent him an email...
fuck fuck fuck! really? why on earth do i not sometimes think 'ok the 13 year old girl is driving this, let's just sit with what she wants for a minute'...but no, i'd sent an email, which of course then when he'd answered every single one of our work emails, but not this one, incensed me - and sure, i know he's an istj so shouldn't be concerned by that - his 'tasks' will pretty much always come ahead of people - of course i take that WAY too personally! so i send a follow up, hours later he responds with something i can describe only as blunt...i tell him so, we go back and forth for a minute or two and then i just give up...because his final email says something like 'i thought we'd just let it work itself out, you know take a zen approach coz work has worked out nicely'...or something like that
zen! sure, i like zen, have even been known to try it, but never with him and i've not really seen him do zen - i've seen him do resignation or run away or outright avoid, but not zen....
so i don't respond - this is something i've worked hard to do - and he's the one who's helped with that - early on he never used to respond to things (which drove me nuts - he knows this now) and when i would call him on it he'd say 'didn't think it needed a response' - and he wonders why i occasionally suggested he was rude!
anyway, i didn't respond (like i also didn't respond to his ridiculous text message of saturday morning) and he texts me tonight with 'have i upset you today?'...really?
so i reply with 'yes a little, if you want me to explain you can call, i'll be home by 8.30'...wasn't sure if he would actually call given his stated dislike of phone calls but he did - 40 minutes we talked for and i finally feel like i got some stuff off my chest, cleared the air, as it were...i told him i was tired, tired of doing this, tired of not knowing where we stood with each other, had no idea what he wanted, he said he didn't know either, i told him i felt he always pushed stuff back onto me, he thinks i do the same, he said it was inappropriate of me to say i missed him (although it's been weeks since i said that), i told him it was just my way of dealing with things, we agreed we had different ways of dealing with things, he said he agreed, i said that's one of the things we found attractive about each other in the beginning - the challenging - he agreed....
so zen it is and you know what? i actually feel better - i suggested to him that we just both do what we want to do and go from there - he said it would take time but that he thought we'd find a happy medium...funny, even as i got mad with him he remains calm...always liked that about him...
anyway, the air is cleared, i have a present for his birthday that i suspect he'll get (it's not the custom made cuff links i wanted to get him with his logo on them but still) and we're aiming for zen...
wonder what that's gonna look like? meanwhile, i'm determined to find myself a new distraction....and sure there's a bloke i've been flirting with, but that can't go anywhere...for a number of reasons it can't but still, he thinks i'm gorgeous, he's sweet, he checks in to see how i am and for now, that's nice...
soooo peeps, hope your week is going well and thanks for dropping by x
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