honestly, i am over it....so many things remind me of what i don't have right now, and sure, i know i should be grateful for what i have, and i am, but really...i'm over being single...
like everything it has it's pros and con's....but when you feel lonely, are in the throes of the post relationship recovery, and almost everyone you know is coupled, well, some days it's hard to remember, let alone appreciate, all the good in your life...
surely i am not the only person to feel this way?
funny really as when i was a little girl, i'm pretty sure that i didn't imagine i would be 43 and still on my own? and sure, it's not like i've been on my own forever, but the recent relationship with FC, which came out of the blue, a complete and utter surprise, well, i thought it might really work...
so it seems that it doesn't get easier as you get older, the breaking up, the mending a broken heart, nope, it seems definitively more difficult, and that i was not expecting....
and sure i always throw myself in with both feet, although i did hold back with FC (at times anyway, when i sensed he wasn't really in for the long haul, or any haul as it turns out), but i really didn't think it would hurt so much, or take me so long to recover from...
truth is, i'm mostly ok, but the loneliness has well and truly set in now, and so whilst i find myself feeling sad much more than i think i ought to (although really, is there any ought to when it comes to healing? methinks not!) i think it is more about being single than about not being with FC....
and sure, i still occasionally have the hope that he'll turn up to nyc and sweep me off my feet (he won't) or that when i'm back (after no contact for 3 weeks) he will have missed me so much that he turns up, declares his undying love for me and we give it another shot (again, not going to happen)....but really, even though i have these thoughts, they could just as easily have someone else as the lead? not FC, but someone else, someone who will actually be more than just a fantasy i've created, someone who will make me feel special and want to be with me, someone who won't smoke a pack a day, someone who will be able to handle emotions, his own and mind, someone who won't pursue me unless they actually want to be in a relationship....and someone who isn't just good on paper, but is actually good, for me....
soooo i'm tired, not just physically, but emotionally...tired of wondering when it will be my turn, tired of being single and having to do everything on my own, tired of not having someone to share my life with....
so, universe if you are listening, i'm tired, and would love for you to help me out....
thank you...
ps now it's bed for me as i have a huge week at work ahead....which will include (sadly) far too much time with FC....really would be nice if he could be out of sight, out of mind....alas!
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