stuck....

stuck is the only way i can sum up how i feel today...

so seeing him sunday, turns out wasn't really a good idea for me...nope, sure it was good to make sure the drama of friday night was resolved, but otherwise all it did was really send me a reminder that he doesn't want to be with me...exacerbated by his comment 'you need to focus on the future, why are you still going on about it?'...yep, a typical FC blunt comment...

so after dinner and the first episode of west wing (which i have to say i quite enjoyed), he suggested a 2nd one and i declined...all i wanted to do was get the hell out of there...too many memories, simply too hard for me to be with him...

so it seems i can't be friends with him, and i've known this for some time but it was very apparent to me on sunday - even as i sat at the pub with him and we talked about normal stuff (after his apology), i just sat there wishing that things could be different...

so monday, was difficult but i managed to get through the day holding my head high, tuesday was much better and today, well today, was awful....i woke up feeling sad, didn't have anything to eat for breakfast (probably not a good idea), had a big day at work and my 1st meeting was with him...who of late seems to be in a fabulous mood (which for some reason i hate)...i don't hate that he's in a good mood, but i hate that i read it as he's happy, i'm not and all the energy i put into him in the last few months has been good for him, good for his ego, but not good for me...

scary thing is, the friends have been saying this for months...yep, that he was getting what he wanted/needed but i wasn't, yep, well perhaps that's the reality that is making me feel so sad today? who knows?

all i know is that i'm sad, i miss him, i'm frankly wondering how the hell i'm ever going to truly be able to him and what he did to me behind me when i have to see him 5 days a week? i have no idea what i was thinking when i thought that getting involved with him would be a good idea?

so, i'm sad, i'm stuck, i'm over myself, i'm concerned that i still feel so hurt and i'm tired....

so early to bed for me and i sincerely hope that i wake up feeling way way better tomorrow...