engage your brain before you engage your gob, and man could i have done with that advice today?
yes today...the day when i had visions that FC was 'with' or has 'met' someone else - even though him and i broke up because he didn't want to be in a relationship remember, and it had nothing to do with me? which sure, could be true, but still, as he moves away from me (although that's inconsistent and frankly, confusing) i am finding it difficult...difficult to accept it really is over (although clearly it is) and difficult to accept the he probably won't come back, that my little hope will eventually diminish to nothing at all...
yep, it's all crap really...having said that i don't feel anywhere near as bad as i did weeks ago, and generally am pretty ok - back into work, which is not difficult as it's so bloody busy, back into reading, next i'll be back into writing and in less than 4 weeks i'll be on my 3 week holiday in the big apple...so really, it's not all bad, and even though i tend to blog about the bad stuff, about my sadness and about my emotions, it really isn't all that bad...
but anyway, i digress (so what else is new i hear you asking)....so today, after the shocker start to the the morning where i'd dreamed up all manner of stupid stories about him and why he didn't answer my text (mental note to self: simply stop fucking texting him coz it seems you cannot keep your expectations under wraps and the ONLY person who ends up suffering is you) we spend all afternoon in meetings together, and one of them went for nearly 2 hours (at my desk - working thru some stuff together)....comes up in conversation that he'll be late in as he's taking his car for a service, and i say (before i've even thought about whether or not this is a good idea) 'oh, it's near me isn't it, you want a lift?'....
FUCK - seriously? this from the girl who is working out how to eradicate him (and i don't say that harshly) from my non work life, to try and regain some semblance, some balance, some non crazy emotionally fuelled crap that relates to him....stupid, fucking stupid...how else would i describe it?
friendly - yes, coz i am and i'm that sort of girl, but why with him? so i'm examining my motives in doing this?
on some level do i think it will make him like me more - i'm screwing up my face as i write this so seems unlikely (and my 43 year old self just thinks that's ridiculous)....is there a part of me that is so desperate to spend time with him that i'd offer to do this? (that could be true i guess but really all that's going to happen is in doing it i'll have an expectation of something (even an acknowledgement, a heartfelt thank you) which probably won't come to light...and i know full well that when we do something we shouldn't do it with the expectation of anything in return and i not only know this but consciously i don't have any expectation, but it seems (and this is something of a recent discovery about self) that even though i don't have any expectations of a conscious nature, i definitely do either unconsciously or subconsciously and they make things very difficult for me...
for someone who's as giving and loving as me, i find that not having people demonstrate gratitude the way i would, or who don't meet my expectations, well i find that incredibly hurtful and always manage to turn it around into being about me...didn't i do enough? why aren't they grateful?
it's bizarre really...bizarre i've never really contemplated this aspect of my behaviour before - well, truthfully i have, but haven't been ready to confront it....so maybe this is why it's surfaced now? maybe it's time to kick this habit, which frankly, does not serve me - actually it gets in the way of a large number of my relationships, intimate ones especially! pretty hard for anyone to live up to those expectations, especially when i'm probably not honest with myself about them...must be pretty bloody hard to be on the receiving end of my expectations....
yep, so awareness is king right? that's what they say - that's where change starts...
so now i am patently aware (i love that word - patently) that my expectations are probably misplaced, at times not appropriate and often mean that i feel disappointed....soooo i'm going to try something new....
i'm going to try and think before i offer to do things (coz offering and doing things won't make anyone like me anymore - being myself, that could definitely work though), i'm going to try not to project my expectations onto others, and when i do, i'm going to try and not take it so bloody personally....
yep, big commitments for a monday night....
so back to my life - it really is good, sure i'm lonely occasionally, sure i'd like a partner, but i want the right partner for me...and even though i do like FC (some days more than others) and i do think there is/was something there, reality is there was plenty that didn't work and i haven't settled yet, so why would i think now would be a good time to do that? besides which, he ain't ready...not ready to be in a relationship, not ready to be in the sort of relationship i want - not now, and maybe, not ever...
the people in my life who know me and know him, simply can't believe i would give him the time of day and sure they don't know him like i know him, but surely there is some merit in that? not that i like to be swayed by others, but still, it is probably useful information....
ok, bed for me, worked far too long for someone who feels as unwell as i do and my early night is now not quite so early as i would have liked!
nite y'all...xxx
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