a person asks 'where we stand on something?' and then in response to 'well tell me what you want and we can go from there' responds with 'i don't know really - i imagine it will sort itself out?'....
someone who can't own what he wants for one! well that's my saturday morning reaction to his text message of a couple of hours ago...which, for the record, i've deleted without responding to...i mean really, what would i say?
whatever i thought i wanted to say would only annoy him as i doubt i could say it nicely enough in text (meaning he would misinterpret)....
my thoughts were along the lines of:
- well you asked me where we stood on something so presumably you have a view of what you want?
- you've always said you were unclear, and now i've asked you, you're unclear?
- nothing else in this whole 'relationship' scenario has worked itself out without far too much conversation, why would you imagine this would?
yep, none of them are either productive or read well, so deleting and trying to let go of it and him seems the best option really...
i mean seriously, where is any of this getting me? i really should have listened to my body and my friends re Wed night...more so my body than my friends, see it seems that when i woke up Wed morning i was already anxious and my stomach was tight and tense all day...yep, should really learn to trust myself...and mostly i do, my 13 year old girl is the issue - she doesn't trust my adult self nor the signs of my body - which ironically probably come from her!
if i had felt i could be totally honest with him, without fear of hurting him (hmmmm what about me?) then i would have told him some time ago that i didn't want to be friends (except at work where we do seem to have settled into a nice rhythm, although there are times when i find that difficult as initially that work spark was what led us to have a relationship, so sometimes i find myself feeling nostalgic, and other times hopeful) and that for the time being we should avoid out of work comms (as we have come to refer to all non work comms) as it's easier for me to move on....and since mostly when he initiates these comms they are either about tv shows, my new car or wanting to whinge about his boss or someone at work, really, they aren't the sort of conversations that give me anything - i have often felt like when he contacts me it's self serving and that i end up feeling like he's hooked me back in only to then disappear....
and sure i have some fear around saying 'no out of work comms' but another part of me wonders if he will ever miss me, ever really realise what he's given up if we continue to talk? and of course work makes that hard coz we do spend a fair bit of time together at work, so in my view, there isn't enough distance, enough separation and that's hard...on the other hand, i do believe that everything happens for a reason and that what will be will be, and that what is supposed to be, will also be....
so perhaps i need to just focus on me, find a way to stop the ever present thoughts of him (which admittedly no longer upset me like they did a few weeks ago, but still the film reel of things still plays regularly in my tired little head) continues and seemingly i can't find a way to press pause or stop....
yes, i really need to find a way to get him out of my head...suspect today's therapy session may well focus on that...the worst times are when i wake up at 3am (seems to be a thing for now) and again first thing in the morning on weekends (during the week i'm simply too busy getting ready for work)...
he says he wants to be friends but he doesn't really behave towards me as i'd like a friend to....so, i have no idea really! but i'm frankly starting to get bored of the game we seem to be playing...so perhaps i'll just stop playing? novel thought...but just might be the trick!
ok, well need to make a cake and pack a bag so best i get up and get on with it...happy saturday peeps x
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