really?

really? i just have NO idea how to read FC at all...

honestly, i just have no idea....is it any wonder i am sometimes confused, sometimes get mixed messages, sometimes wish things between us were different?

so after an entire day of facilitating yesterday i called him on the way home to say hi, see if i'd missed anything (i know, maybe i shouldn't have but we agreed Tuesday night that we would do what we felt like and i felt like talking to him - this shouldn't be too much of a surprise given we are work friends, if nothing else)...i also wanted to let him know that it was unlikely i'd be there today which given we have a coupla pieces of work that we are doing together, wanted to make sure he knew...

so today, coupla emails and the first of them ended with 'let me know how tests go and if you need anything'....which i have to say was a really pleasant surprise...leah says he's done that before, but honestly, i'm not sure he has...anyway, i was really touched :-)

figuring that we'd agreed we could be honest, i said that i didn't really need anything except probably company as i was already bored but figured he wouldn't want to do that...to which he responds 'probably not a good idea'...can't disagree necessarily but this is from the man who wanted to be friends, but thinks i don't....but doesn't really appear to want to let go? and sure, neither do i really, but i am trying (mostly) to not initiate contact with him...and why am i doing that? well firstly, even though i'm fine, i feel good, i'm starting to feel much more my happy self and not miss him so much, i still harbour a hope that in time, he'll come back...and sure, by then i may have moved on, or i'll get to a point where i no longer want that, but right now, i still do (and sure it's not as strong as it was and i'm not sad anymore).....

so then later tonight he texts me to see how i am and to provide a tv recommendation (he always was good for this)...tells me he hasn't got west wing yet and says he's going to download something else - i ask if i can borrow it - he says what? i say breaking bad but since you keep telling me i'll like west wing, i assume i can borrow that when it arrives and he says 'why do you think i bought it?'....now that is just sweet! i had no idea he'd bought it for me, i know he'd wanted it but i figured it had nothing to do with me...nice :)

so then i ask him a philosophical question hoping that we might have a discussion about it, following a momentary panic today when i realised that after this current job i have NO idea what i will do...and of course that is because my focus right now is to meet a partner...and his response is telling in some way, but also, completely misses the fact that i'd like to talk about the question - that it was more my own question, rather than a question to him...

and this isn't the first time he's done this - so now essentially he's done with the conversation, and i guess that's ok - i no longer take it quite so personally, but still, i would have thought that such a deep question might highlight to him that it was my question not one i was asking him....?

funny though, i'm not gutted or hurt like i would have been previously - disappointed as i would have liked to have explored it, but anyway...

what was interesting though was his response which was as follows: i know what i'm going to do - i'm going to be 28 forever and xx of xx - i'm just waiting for the world to come into line with me...

i have often thought that he was trying to hold onto his youth - coupla things gave me this impression when we were together, and whilst his boyish charm and sometimes child like behaviour were appealing, i wonder if in the long term, it would have annoyed me? in some ways it reminded me of Ben, and i'm not saying i can't be childish (i can), nor that i don't have a healthy sense of the inner child (i do) but his communication at times and his emotional response to things, was sometimes childish and not really fitting for a man of his age...and truthfully i found that very difficult...

so really? what the hell am i supposed to think? no wonder i'm confused really? but confused is better than upset, and upset i'm not...:)