so i had a realisation today, after a massive meltdown...and sure the meltdown came immediately after i'd had a meeting with him and had some 'sense' that he was shagging someone else - he just seems so happy these days which just makes me angry - angry that when he was broken i was there to support him and now that he feels better, i've been discarded, categorised as the rebound girl and he's moved on...yep, not happy about that....
but really, what can i do?
so anyway, i had a thought tonight, following a lengthy discussion with my therapist last night about physical health and impact on mood, and then a chat with my sister tonight about a similar thing...seems both of them think that the peri menopause symptoms will be impacting me a lot more than i think and in fact, perhaps the odd day/hour of sadness is less about Nick and more about the hormonal imbalance...
hmmm, hadn't given that much thought before now, but you know what? it seems probably like it might be worth me investigating...
so today, i woke up feeling shite, didn't sleep that well (this is a common occurrence in women experiencing peri menopause, and it's not new to me, been going on for ages!), finally dragged myself out of bed and to Leah's - didn't help i had the worst pain in my neck - did some work with her, got to work, still didn't feel great, but day improved as i got on with the work i needed to do...sadly, needed to spend a fair bit of time with him today, so by just before 5pm when i'd spent over an hour with him and i had this sense (see above) i lost it....my lovely staff member noticed i was sad, gave me a hug and i just lost it...haven't done that for a while....
so i grabbed my stuff, went to my car and sobbed most of the way to Sara's, where i went for a chat and tea....
but it's true, if i was truly depressed, then i wouldn't be able to 'snap out of it' only a few hours later? or would i? nope, pretty sure that isn't the way depression works....and if i was still desolate about him, then i suspect that would be more constant, if i was still desolate about him i wouldn't look forward to seeing someone else's name pop up on the phone, nor would i be looking forward to a certain person's visit on monday, so sure, i still like Nick, it's a hangover from a time gone by, a past with him that isn't yet forgotten, but, i don't think my sadness is all about him, and that is actually freeing, freeing in a way i couldn't have thought possible...
so rather than assume that every time i'm sad or have some sort of involuntary mood swing, i don't have to think 'oh i'm sad, i miss Nick', nope, instead i can consider going to talk to a doctor about it...and not so they can give me some antidepressant medication, but so i can try and establish if there is some merit to the hormonal roller coaster theory i am currently working on?
so, sure, i don't feel fabulous, it's been a huge week in more ways than one, but i've had a lovely night at home following a short visit to Sara's....
it's raining and the sound of the rain will hopefully be a welcome lullaby as i head to bed...
i'd normally say nite peeps, but since blog is now private, seems no point, so nite self! hope you sleep well!
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