never want to repeat...
so friday night, whilst sitting with kirst in her new home, get a text from FC saying someone's introduced him to my blog...imagine the sinking feeling in my stomach when i realise that a) he's been out with work people so it's someone at work and b) that he's read it...
oh god, so then another few texts and he says stay the fuck away from me, don't ever talk to me again, he's resigning monday etc etc...then calms down and we have a lengthy call, he wants to assure me that he isn't out to get me and that his texts may have appeared like threats...
so i hardly sleep at all friday night, i feel sick, embarrassed that work colleagues have stumbled across the blog which means they know everything, i'm embarrassed he's found it and basically just felt terrible...
saturday improved and hanging out with kirst the perfect antidote, sunday ok but as it got closer to coming home to sydney, which means work, i started to feel anxious...
now, just back from his, i feel absolutely fine about what happened but sad....
i met him at pub, i apologised again, he apologised for making me feel the way i did, we chatted about work crap, weekend stuff, nothing of note, went to his, had dinner, watched 1st episode of west wing (quite like it), was going to stay for a 2nd but changed my mind...
whilst there he made a snide comment to me about 'funniest thing i've ever read - you should try playboy'...in reference to something i blogged about a coupla weeks ago...then he said 'it's been months, it's unhealthy for you to keep going over it, surely you need to move on' and in that moment i had a sinking feeling and realised that he's done exactly that, and as usual, i feel left behind....
so when i got into the car i found it hard not to cry.....in his head i think it's over, no chance there could be anything, despite a small part of me wishing it could be....he said something interesting on our friday night call, that he now associated me with the february when he wasn't ready....and that just annoys me. how can i help that he fancied me then, pursued me then even though he wasn't ready and then when i develop feelings for him, he changes his mind and now suggests that i should move on...yep, not overly impressed with that...
anyway, the blog's gone private so i can now refer to him as nick....
so i think it's time, time for me to put him behind me, time to not read anything at all into his behaviour...which is hard: it's very difficult to be with someone in a relationship and then for them to mean nothing, and for me, it's difficult not to then misinterpret (seemingly) some of their behaviour...
sad thing is, he told me tonight he probably won't resign until april now (post when bonuses are paid) so i have at least another 6 months of him at work....sigh
so it's been a shocker weekend, has turned out ok, actually he's behaved most considerately and frankly he's been way more understanding than i could have hoped for...and for that i am eternally grateful
on that note, i'm too tired to write anymore, i'm sad in an 'it's really over' sort of a way and frankly, i don't know what else there is to say....
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