21 days to

break a habit apparently, soooo I am now 15 days into that in terms of NO non work contact with FC, and in fact, almost NO contact at all....

it's been difficult, although I think I turned a corner on Saturday.....

and I felt momentarily guilty today when he saw me at work (first time really we've eye balled each other since it all happened) and he gave one of those weak uncomfortable smiles - I didn't even move my lips - no smile, no making him feel better...nope, I took absolutely NO responsibility for him, for once....

and sure that was difficult as I don't really see that as me, but you know what? for almost 15 months I have put his needs ahead of mine (and yes, that's my bad not his), have considered him ahead of me and have always done what I thought would make him feel better - well fuck that - today I had NO desire to make him feel better - let him squirm, if he even noticed....

sooo in addition to that, and I think probably not in addition to but because of, I am now into day 7 of a hideous bacterial respiratory infection and my 4th day off work with 2 more (mandated by Dr) to come....

and I am exhausted (that will happen when you can't breathe properly) but still, boring! so starting tomorrow morning i'll be doing my best to watch as many episodes of the Mentalist (my new thing) whilst trying to recover....

had my first ever stint on a nebuliser today - interesting! daunting at first, but worked a treat - especially loved the crazy head spins it gave me...

oh well, 15 days in - starting to feel good - starting to see him for who he is and not really missing the games/drama that is being with FC or being a 'friend' of FC...

mentioned to BD today the thing I have been wanting to mention for a while - he gets it - and that's just one of the reasons I love him....so, another conversation to follow there but at least it's not just me and my sensitive self!

ok, nite