seriously, what are the

fucking odds of that happening? seriously, hours later I am still spinning....

so years ago I remember getting a pair of knee high boots at this little shop in Balmain (yes, you read it correctly) and thinking I needed to get a pair with a heel (the Wittner ones I tend to wear, because they fit over my calves, don't have a heel) so that in wearing them all through winter I don't feel so short or dumpy (just being honest - am a bit heavier than i'd like to be right now)....

so on Thursday, realising that I had a very quiet weekend without many things planned, I decided that I would venture out to Balmain...yes, I know, I haven't been there much since Nick and I split, but I really wanted to see if I could find some boots...

so after a very successful Chatswood trip where I find not one but two pairs of flat boots, I mentally get myself ready for Balmain...

so imagine my surprise, actually, no it's more akin to horror then when i'm in the checkout and hear a familiar cough/clearing of the throat (yes, the smokers cough)....

so I turn around, as yet undecided as to whether i'm saying hello, would be weird - thoughts of 'fuck he'll think i'm stalking him, or him saying what are you doing in Balmain?' centre stage.....so I turn around, see the back of his head and the girl who used to work where we work with him...

yes, not just him, but her - the one i'm pretty sure he needed to 'tie up loose ends' of when he started seeing me, the one who when I said to him 'were you seeing her too?' his response wasn't 'no' but rather 'as if I had time?' (not exactly a resounding no)......so it would seem (following our text messages of the other week where he told me 'you don't want to know what I do on my weekends') he was right....

so, he no sooner leads me on, breaks up with me, than picks up with her again, or worse, he never stopped shagging her whilst he was seeing me - kinda explains a lot really...often not available, often ignoring me - probably was with her...

and sure I know they are friends, he's never hidden this, but he has essentially lied to me and I don't care if he's done it out of some false sense of looking after my feelings, bottom line is he's deceived me...

what I will say is she didn't look happy! mind, she never did and how could anyone be happy with him? I mean not like he's overly caring or feeling, or capable of dealing with anything on an emotional level, and if I was her, I wouldn't be overly happy with the fact that he spends a LOT of time talking to me.....

fuck! how could I be so blind? how could I not have seen it? how could I have assumed it was idle gossip when I heard he was seeing her - worse, when I heard he'd told other people he was seeing her.....

I so don't want to have to deal with him at work anymore - and sure he's been a very good support to me, but I think me treating him as a confidante works better for him than it does for me....sad thing is, I have no idea how to change that? boundaries - how the hell do I create a boundary (without feeling the need to announce it) so that I will be safe....

safe from his inconsistent behaviour, his only getting in touch (mostly) when it suits him or when he wants to have a whinge....

sure, and then there's the fact that he simply didn't choose me...and i'm left holding that....feeling not good enough, that I couldn't even make it work with him....

yep, i'm so impacted by seeing him, and whilst I know it was probably the universe ultimately trying to tell me it's time, but i'm hurting right now....

thankfully the only thing I need to do now is get in the bubble, and I don't have to come out until Monday morning...

not sure if i'm more annoyed with myself for continuing to see him for someone he isn't and for hoping that he might come back...he is NOT coming back and I need to not only face that but embrace it....yes, embrace it, and remember that there is a growing part of me that doesn't want to be with him - knowing I wouldn't be happy, wouldn't be satisfied and would always be looking/wanting for more....

and yet!

fuck....plenty of thinking to do in that bubble!