predictable, and yet

still unreliable...

so in true form, FC texts me last night to find out what I was on about...I reply simply with 'her name'....long and short of it is he basically says nothing's changed, he told me he was shagging someone and after i'd asked him if he was seeing her when he was seeing me, he didn't think it would be a good idea to mention it (no fucking kidding)...he says he wasn't shagging her whilst seeing me (how big of him), that a little bit of knowledge is dangerous, that I am probably wrong in whatever thoughts are going through my head and that she is 'hardly a girlfriend'....

I don't know if I feel sick that I liked someone who could be like that, or sorry for her that she willingly lets him treat her like this?

both are bad...and highlight the sort of person he is (and yes, I know I've spent the best part of a year liking him, wanting to be with him etc): so what sort of person is he....

well, inconsistent, unempathic (mostly), lacks EQ, has no concept of boundaries, doesn't know what he's doing, has no idea how he impacts me, says one thing but doesn't follow through, seems incapable of letting himself commit to someone, has little or no understanding of emotions, his or anyone elses, thinks he's a man about town, smokes too much, drinks too much...shall I go on?

no, best not to...funny, was thinking of that fateful night in late April last year where we had an almighty row, the night where he told me that i'd never said anything nice to him and couldn't articulate what I liked about him - and you know what? when I think back to that time, other than wanting him to love me because that's what I wanted, I really couldn't find anything I liked about him (other than you're smart, you have nice eyes, you're challenging)....i'm pretty sure that other than being smart, none of these things are things on my list...

hmmm, interesting observation right there and not like it's the only time I've had that thought....

so sure, he thinks nothing's changed, and really it hasn't - he isn't good enough for me and I need to accept that he ain't coming back, that in reality, I don't want him to come back, and I need to find a way that works for me of putting some boundaries in place to protect my fragile (yet resilient) little heart...

managed to pull myself together to get to work today, and not only to get there but to smile, be happy and function....very proud of self...

so, I think as I go to bed i'm going to jot down a few things i'm grateful for (aka my gratitude journal for 13 May 2013)...my beautiful friends Leah and Sara who were there yesterday to listen and support, thank you...for my job, which I love (of course i'd love it more if he weren't there) and for my books (yes, right now I am craving more bubble time than ever and I find myself losing myself in a good book - perhaps it's simply a precursor to me picking Lexie back up and finishing her story?)...

anyway, tonight, despite the tough couple of days, i'm grateful...grateful he no longer impacts me like he used to, grateful I feel stronger, grateful for my fabulous friends, my wonderful home and tonight, a comfy and warm bed and a bloody good book...

nite xxx