predictable...

and i'm not sure, in this case, that's a good thing....

so this morning, and I haven't blogged about this yet, so maybe I should start there?

so this morning, before i'm out of bed, I check email - and funny, as I don't always do this....so imagine my horror when I see an email from FC in my inbox - and sure, I shouldn't be surprised as we work together so inevitably there will be stuff we need to talk about from time to time....but what I observed is the physical reaction I had to seeing his name....

it wasn't good: my stomach lurched, I felt sick, I felt 'gripped' by something (not in a good way) and I could feel all the old expectation coming back...

he was simply telling me he was ill and wouldn't be at training - there was even a 'sorry'....although I have to say that I honestly believed he was avoiding training - not like he enjoys it or even, really, thinks there's anything in it for him - ironic really as of all the people on it, he is 1 of the people who could, if he put his mind to it, learn a lot about himself and even, develop some more people skills, but no....

so I just simply observed my reaction, my feelings, my thoughts and I can tell you I think it's a pattern (well, of course, I know this)....so rather than feeling the need to 'do' anything (usually I do), I just sat with it and as I said to Leah hours later, having done that, it passed....

yes, did you read that? it passed! meaning it didn't take over my thinking for hours - I didn't go over in my head time and time again what I should do, what I should do...nope, I just observed the thoughts, and then they seemed to pass on....like a cloud which eventually gets moved on by the gentlest of breezes, only to reveal the sun..

yes, so that was an interesting exercise for me...and it's funny, I said to Leah that i'd gone to bed last night realising that it had been 15 days since i'd had any non work contact with him.....and funny, we've hardly had any work contact either and once i'd gotten through the observing this morning - admittedly I did check email a number of times wondering if there would be any more conversation - there wasn't - but I also observed how much I was enjoying the 'quiet' from him this afternoon...

so imagine my surprise then when unreliable but predictable, I get a text from him this evening (and funny, as I had said to Leah earlier, that even if he did check in with me to see how I was, it would, inevitably just be an excuse for him to talk about himself or work....hmmm) 'you seem not to be talking to me at the moment, but are you ok?'...

and sure my boundary work is a work in progress and it occurred to me for a minute to simply ignore it but I am not yet comfortable with a total ignore....that's something to discuss with Sal

so I responded telling him I was unwell, that I was processing stuff and surely he understood that....he comes back with some long email whinge about work, illness and the following 'yes I understand but since no communication I didn't know now I know I won't ask again but reiterate that nothing has really changed'....seriously! nothing has changed for him....

for me lots has changed - for starters I feel that he has deceived me for more than a year...he was sleeping with someone I know, finished things with her so he could 'see' me, then after he's done with me, picks up with her again - I feel used, I feel like he slotted me in, I feel like he has always kept me close so that he gets someone to whinge to....

even tonight - so the initial text 'appears' to be an enquiry about me - but as soon as he knows i'm sort of ok (physically not!) he's straight into the boring work talk - there's even talk that he is close to leaving - as I said to him 'well you always say that, and yet you are still there'...yet another area of his life where he won't take a risk, and sure I understand that one a lot better than not following your heart, but whatever....

so I have no idea where that leaves us - or do I? in fact, this changes nothing....I would expect a so called 'good colleague' to check in with me if he hadn't seen me for a week...yes, that seems like something I would do, so this leaves us nowhere......he's not worthy of someone like me, he manages to turn every conversation into being about him, about work, which is frankly boring....my life is so much more than work....

in fact, since I saw the fabulous 52 Richardson st Lane Cove house (for sale) last weekend, I seem to be dreaming of something different - however, if I could conjure up $1.9m I would buy it in a heartbeat...and then I get to thinking 'why am I waiting for a beautiful house to change my life?' and that's a great question...why am I?

perhaps I should be thinking about how to get what I want without waiting for some physical change in surrounds? interesting concept....

anyway, i'm tired, i'm going to work tomorrow for first time in over a week - 2 of the 7 groups are finishing mine and Leah's course tomorrow so would really like to be there....

so, nite nite....and i'm still to write about friendship and love, and how it's changed my idea about relationships and commitment! yes, watch this space....