unrequited love....?

not sure it's love, but after the way FC has behaved, i can no longer deny that i really do like him...

and sure, he's inconsistent (at best), or perhaps it's not inconsistency, perhaps he just has no appetite for my dramatics? maybe he's the sort of person who is only going to take the big stuff seriously, yes maybe he's someone who doesn't sweat the small stuff?

i have no idea and really what he does or doesn't do isn't overly relevant, except that in arguably my most difficult week of my entire career, he's been there for me....he made an effort to check in with me every night (work night) last week....

was funny, as BD was about to arrive Friday night and I found myself on the phone to FC, i didn't really want to hang up....

so, it's more a case of 'i really do like this man' rather than unrequited love per se....but it's something

Leah remarked that it hadn't changed in a year, that i liked him then and i like him now and that no matter how i look at it, there's no doubting he likes and cares about me...so why oh why can't he be willing to give it a shot? that upset me yesterday, today less so, but still the fantasy that he will tell me he can't be without me remains, and floats in and out of my mind like a cloud on a windy day....

Leah even said, although she also said she didn't want me to hold onto it, that of his 2 barriers (work and not ready) the work barrier may well be gone now, and he may be spending some time thinking about that....of course he'll know the work barrier isn't actually there (based on what i relayed to him about my boss's reaction)....but in his mind, it may still be there?

anyway, i'm exhausted, i've had mostly the day to myself and my thoughts, which has been good and bad at times...

there are times when i feel sick with fear that another letter will be sent to my boss, and other times i think that if i were to lose my job, then it would be an opportunity to shake things up....

so, bed for me and a brave face tomorrow....

nite x