is how it feels to be me right now...and this is hard to write, it's been hard for me to absorb, probably the most challenging day of my entire career was yesterday...only positive really is that sometimes in those moments you know who your supporters are and when you handle it with grace, at least you aren't left beating yourself up about how you took the news...
so the 'news' i refer to is that an anonymous group of people at my workplace saw fit to write my boss a letter alleging that on a number of occasions my behaviour has been inappropriate and that in particular my relationship with Nick had in some way influenced the organisation's decision to promote him to his new role...couple of other less savoury items were written too...
so imagine my surprise when my colleague and kind of friend had to sit me down, tell me this and ask me to 'respond' to said allegations! yep, thank goodness i'm in the know about said process, and so didn't take it personally....
wow, really a low light both in my personal and professional life and a real 'oh fuck' moment....if i'm honest my first reaction was that i could possibly be fired, although said colleague advised me that neither him nor my boss were considering this as an option and that most likely the timing of the letter was something to do with a big negotiation that is currently taking place, where, for my sins, i am the primary decision maker, representative for our organisation and the key negotiator....
OMG i can't believe that only 28 or so hours later i am so composed, so zen like and in fact, other than feeling a bit sad that people would behave like this, and would see fit to attempt to discredit me in an extremely unjust way so that they may benefit....to say i've lost my faith in mankind would be an understatement...
i think i have learned te hard way that really, that my natural trusting and open self is not going to work in this particular role and in this particular company...which seems to have at the grass roots, a very toxic culture, and one which i am trying to change...
seems the history of former management and their attitude towards staff is now something that me and my team are having to clean up...and honestly, whilst i'm sure i'm up for that challenge, i am certain i don't want it....
these people are largely uneducated, have i suspect, few employment opportunities outside of our organisation, are inarticulate, and do not have the wherewithal to respond to the situation in a professional and above board way...instead they stoop to the sort of tactics i would never dream of using, and i guess that's because i don't have to...
i feel blessed to have the brain i have, to have parents who supported me in educating myself, and blessed that i have a small group of friends who will see me through this....
and as i drove home last night in a flood of tears, the days event's finally becoming too much for me to contain, i realised that the one thing i was afraid of in taking this job (a job, for the record, that i love and am passionate about...although not surprisingly, that has waned in the last day or so) was giving up my freedom, and when i pictured freedom then it was about how i would have to spend my time on a daily basis...but what i realised last night, whilst standing under a hot shower, was that in fact, the freedom i have given up, is the freedom to be me, to be sarah....
whoever she might be, and in the last day or so that has been a question that has bubbled it's way to the surface a number of times...
challenge for me now is to make sure there is to balance being sarah (which in this role is a strength as it means i'm open and people trust that they can approach and confide in me, but seemingly it's also a weakness as it makes me vulnerable and an easy target) with being the best i can be in my role...
and honestly, i'm stuck! i don't know how i can actually achieve that without it feeling like far too much of a compromise, and sure, life it all about compromises, but is this particular compromise worth it?
and maybe it is...
one thing i realised last night as i tried to put the work day and events behind me, was how important my home, my little sanctuary is to me...and what i landed on was that anything that might jeopardise that should be avoided...
so going forward, i need to remember why i'm at work, how important it is not to be an easy target for people, not to be so vulnerable so that i get taken advantage of (this is a theme in my life)....and at the same time, be me...
i have absolutely no idea how i'm going to do that....and i'm pretty sure when i took this job, i didn't sign on for this level of personal and professional stress....
on a positive note, in 1 month and 1 day it will be bonus pay day - of course for a few minutes yesterday when i thought i might be fired, i also thought that perhaps my boss would change her mind about my bonus for the last performance year - doesn't seem likely that that is going to happen, but the thought of it sends me into something of a spin!
the only other positive is how supportive Nick has proved to be in this situation and whilst initially i thought i shouldn't tell him, as one of the allegations involved him, i know i'd want to know if the situation were reversed...as usual, he reacted well, and following a lengthy conversation last night, i thanked him (by text) for listening and told him that there were times i really missed him even though i knew he wouldn't thank me for saying so...his response (which i haven't really understood yet and probably won't) was 'you don't need to miss me - i'm always near....
what would one read into that? and then tonight, after seeing him only briefly today, he asks me if i had a better day and when i say no, he called me....
he really isn't empathic in the way i like people to be, but he was there, and he did call, and in his own way, i guess he cares....
and so my plans this week of putting more distance between us, and trying to 'softly' enforce some boundaries, well what do they say about best laid plans?
speaking of plans, he shared with me some of his plans tonight and also mentioned he hadn't been sleeping and in fact since coming back from his trip wasn't feeling settled at all....no surprise really as he isn't really happy at work and i think would dearly love to be in NYC....sound familiar??
i do miss him occasionally, i miss what we had, even though mostly i just wondered what game he was playing with me and if he really liked me...truth is i think he is crazy about me, won't admit it, is too afraid to change and give things a shot...kind of a shame really, as other than the smoking, the lack of 'f' and empathy at times, the dislike of talking about anything remotely emotional, the fact that mostly he's a better person after alcohol, yes, other than that i actually do really like him....he's intelligent, quirky, funny, quick and i miss having someone in my life.....
thankfully there is no way he will stumble across the blog (not since the blog event of September last year)....but honestly, i wouldn't be concerned if he did...
i have spent months trying to work out why i still like him, but truth is, i just do....not sure why, but i do! he is constantly updating me on the things in his life, wondering if that's because he's seeking my approval or as E says, maybe he thinks he's not good enough so he's trying to prove himself....in moments of big crisis for me at work, he's been there, i trust him, but i do wonder what the universe is up to...
anyway, i'm exhausted, it's been an incredibly challenging and draining few days, so i'm going to crawl into bed after a nice hot shower and start a new book, in the hope of losing myself completely before a good night's sleep....
nite x
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