i feel trapped....

and over it, and trapped....

i am starting to think about an exit strategy, but promised myself i would pay off the mortgage with this job before i moved on...

and yet, right now, that seems too high a price to pay...for my happiness, for my mental health and for my sanity...

i feel as though the actions of a few random people at work, the ones who saw fit to send that letter to my boss, have ruined my passion for the place...

i no longer feel like i can trust anyone (E and FC aside), i'm even starting to question if one of my own team was behind it, or involved in some way

i haven't become paranoid per se, but in the absence of knowing, i seem to find any number of possibilities, but sadly, always end up back at the same one or two people...

bottom line is that i think it's someone i befriended a while ago and now i'm left wondering if a) my judgment sucks or b) she sucked me in purposely with the intention of becoming involved in the negotiations and attempting to undermine me?

it's really not a good place for me to be, mentally that is...

i feel like i'm no in a fish bowl, i'm afraid to be sarah, and sure, there are times when i should learn to shut my mouth and not be quite so expressive, but i'm not sure i want to do that...

this was always going to be an issue with a return to corporate life, and then i have to deal with a new senior person who wants to pay someone in his team more money than some 50% of the senior team when this guy has less than 10 years of work experience....seriously?

sickens me to think that me, and others, have given our hearts and souls to this place and this guy, who really doesn't work that hard (but admittedly does a good job) could end up on more money....fucking investment bank mentality - am completely and utterly over it!

anyway, i have the meeting with my boss tomorrow to discuss the events of tuesday....will certainly be glad when that's over and i can put it all behind me....

sigh...

ps on another note, i'm confused about FC....he's been nice this week, even supportive, but that and his comment of 'you don't have to miss me - i'm always near' has thrown me into a spin....