to know?
or is that just my way of saying I don't want to know coz then I have to deal with it?
and I must say that as I write this post, I feel a little guilty that whilst I'm struggling with my reality today, there are still hundreds of people missing, and possibly dead on MH370, hundreds, probably thousands of distraught family and friends....and that certainly helps put things in perspective, and yet, I have been really impacted today so I need to write about that...
but before I continue, I'm praying to my universal guides that MH370 can be found and some answers provided...
so today I had lunch with one of my audit partner friends - she's a newish friend and she took me to lunch...sadly, she knows FC, and she knows him and I had a 'thing' a while back...and I guess she thought I was ok with it all, and largely I am...
so she proceeds to tell me that he's seeing someone, and of course, this isn't actually news to me - I'm certain he is actually 'with' Serafina in his own fucked up way, but today as she was telling me this (even though in the same story she said he didn't want to talk about it and when asked if they were moving in he said 'god no, I wouldn't do that') I started to feel incredibly sad...
it's funny really, because of late, I have actually been feeling happier than I have in ages - almost pre Nick happy, you know, really comfortable with where I am, even enjoying being single (it's simply so much better to be single when you are happy, and one's happiness is no longer entirely dependant on being 'in a relationship'...) sucks then that having finally gotten there (or seemingly gotten there) today's 'update' should really upset me
and of course I've tried to therapies myself, I've tried to rationalise how I'm feeling and tell myself it's just a little set back, and of course, I'm probably right, but then again, don't you think it's kind of odd that nearly 2 years later (although arguably things dragged on for a long time after we actually split as he continued, and I let him, mess me around) he still gets under my skin, that finding out that he might actually be in a real relationship (unlikely, frankly) with her, I'm sad?
the saddest thing of all is that for one short moment today, when I thought about it, the old thought of 'you weren't good enough for him' resurfaced...
seriously? you're not good enough for him? no, no fucking way am I going to let my lovely beautiful emotionally open self believe that...
but then I do also question the timing of things? see Sunday I had a healing session with Bec, actually Saturday, and she said 'he's seeing someone right?', then this...and sure it's probably not seeing her in the way I'd want to be seeing someone, but maybe it's the best he can do...
one thing that was interesting was Eileen's reaction to me telling her about his behaviour - the out of office texting, the weekend texting, the not inviting me to his 40th and then the follow up email containing the 'I love you'...
it's bullshit, he's bullshit and I'm over it - sadly, it would seem, I'm not entirely over him, but I am over it...
I genuinely think he keeps me onside because of my role at work....the more I find out about him, the more I am really starting to dislike him and dislike the part of me that invested so much time and energy in trying to help him
same old fucking Sarah story - pick a broken bird, try to fix them, let them get into your head, fall in love, get hurt...
man it takes a long time to recognise and break a pattern...if only it were easier...sigh
I feel stupid wondering what people must think of me - of my supporting him even though he's probably never lifted a finger to support me, never put himself out for my benefit, and yet, I've found myself defending him...
I've spent hours trying to help him on all manner of things, given him special coaching and tips on everything, and yet he's still chosen not to grow, not to do any work that might make him a better person or a more effective manager...
makes me ask why the fuck I bothered? and of course I know the answer to that: coz I wanted him to love me
coz like my mum and Ben and just about every other bloke before him, I wanted him to love me in the way I want to be loved...
and yet, from the get go he flagged he couldn't give me what I wanted...but nooo, I kept going..
this has to stop! for my own sanity, for my happiness, it has to stop....
so, I'm sad, I'm angry at myself (even though I should probably just be more accommodating and kind what that part of my self today), and I'm tired of having to have him in my life...
there's another very compelling reason to find another job, which is kinda funny as for the first time in my entire working relationship with my boss, I feel comfortable...
honestly, not having to see him really does seem like the very best way of putting him and his inconsiderate and inconsistent behaviour behind me...
anyway, I'm tired, so it's bonsoir from me xx
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