situation that I don't want to be in, and scary thing is, it's probably mostly my own doing...
so, let's go all the way back to September, when I find out that Nick is having a 40th and I'm not invited - and his reasons, frankly, are bullshit: I thought I was doing the right thing, she's coming blah blah, quickly followed up by an email telling me he loves me, he respects me etc
so for pretty much the first time ever, I find a way to cut him out of my life, and initially it's hard - of course, right, but then it gets easier and I feel a certain freedom
I no longer look at the phone hoping he will have made contact, in fact, I eventually get to a place, where I hope he doesn't...
fast forward to March, ie now, and truthfully, I am not upset by stuff, but I realised today that I have slowly let him back in, but at what cost? and to what end?
and why is this important today? what prompted me to think about this today? well, good question! so he's at my desk doing something or other and as he's scanning through his emails, I see her name come up...
and sure, a few things have led me to believe he's not 'with her', but in their own stupid way, they probably are an item...let's be serious, he referred to her as 'his partner' at work to get out of work for an afternoon, but then why does he text me on the weekend? surely, no girlfriend would put up with that?
anyway, really, does it matter what he does and who he's with? well, yes and no...
and as I sat and listened to one of his direct reports tell me what a shocking manager was, I realised that perhaps seeing him through someone elses eyes is good? perhaps not always having his back is good - I mean seriously, when does he have my back? when does he ever extend himself for me? would he ever (with his risk averse, me me me personality) ever do something for me that might cost him (not money but you know what I mean)
well, sadly, the answer is no - and sure, I've know this for a long time - it's not new news, nothing has actually changed....Nick is, was and always will be Nick - and that isn't a compliment...
there are many reasons why we are not together, not the least of which he admits that he could never give me what I want...
but right now, I seem strangely, more attached to him than I have for some time...and I know why, even though I don't really want to admit it...
see things with one of my bff's and I is strained - yep, it is...
I'm ok to ride the wave, just don't feel like doing it alone, although, ironically, Nick is not the sort of person I could EVER explain this to and hope that he might a) understand or b) sympathise...he's totally devoid of being able to express emotions in a healthy way - he is, as I've often described him to others, most recently my parents, a man child...
I digress, but really, the issue here is probably more to do with what's occurring in one of my friendships, than Nick, but right now, I'm not ready to open up about the friendship and what has happened...
so, back to Nick! he really is a child - his ability to handle and deal with, or even express emotions, is childish...and that might be ok if I were his mother, but I'm not...
to think I recently offered to help him with his CV...why? what is in it for me? and not that I like to be too calculating in everything I do, but I guess, the interesting thing here is identifying what I thought was in it for me...
sure, some days I think I hope he'll come back - but seriously? why would I
and it probably takes going all the way back to one of my posts in early 2012, before the blog was taken down to realise that my first impressions of this man were probably spot on...
and did I mention, I hate smoking! which he still does, and in fact, I think it's worse now....
so, as I try and sift through the emotions, the patterns, the memories, the tried and true ways of me doing things, I feel a hint of sadness, and even though I have finally eradicated Chris from my physical life, occasionally, at times like these, when I feel somewhat disconnected from some people in my life and drifting, I wonder if things would be different if he hadn't been such a selfish boy of 12
anyway, I'm tired, the virus that I've been fighting for over a week seems to have taken a firm hold, the mycoplasma pneumoniae the Dr thinks I have is being treated (I hope) with antibiotics that are making me feel sick and I'm exhausted...
it's not even 9pm and I'm certain bed is about 10 minutes away...
so in my sleepy state I'm going to remind myself why what I am feeling now, I that desire to 'move towards' Nick, is really, nothing to do with him and more about me...
gotta love self awareness :-)
nite x
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