emotions...

sometimes it's easier not to have 'em...

but then it wouldn't be very human not to would it?

nope!

so today has been a day to forget...on many fronts!

I realised today, after sitting through yet another one of those futile 4 hour meetings, that in fact, I'm not sure how much longer I want to work where I work...seems that our values of integrity don't really seem to count, well, at least not when profit counts :-(

I'm starting to get that sense of disillusionment, and sure, it's not unfamiliar to me, it's one of the many reasons I found a way to escape corporate life the last time I did...but it seems worse somehow right now...

and why is that? well, because I'm a part of the ELT, the Snr Mnt team as it were, a direct report to the CEO, and despite my protestations, which admittedly, have become not worth my energy of late, it seems that not a great deal has changed...so imagine my horror then, when I am responsible for the cultural change...and sure, I could vote with my feet (eventually I will, on my terms, and when it suits me) but for the time being, I just need to sit with the discontent....

and then, there's my team, who mostly I love, and for the most part do an ok job - I'm not going to say do a great job, because, in reality they don't...I hold a lot of the slack and am responsible for really holding it all together - and sure, maybe that's my job to do that, but it's wearing a bit thin...sometimes it would be good for them to remember that I'm the boss and their role is to support me - not saying it's not two way, as it definitely is, but when I'm super flexible and accommodating and they aren't, well it shits me...just saying

then there's the attitude of one - the one, ironically, I usually get on best with...but over the years she has tested me, whinged incessantly but done nothing to change her own situation, occasionally speaks to me (in public) in the most derogatory manner (which largely I overlook coz I'm like that) and today, when they do something without consulting me which impacts me and I openly express my discontent, I get a snotty email telling me she doesn't like being told off in public...well, fuck me!

and then, there's the fact I'm still sick - voice is starting to go (with any luck it'll go altogether and I can have a few days off...) and of course, the news of last week, which is still very fresh in my mind, and my little heart, try as it might to deal with this solo...well, I'm a bit sad...

although as I type this, I'm not sure 'exactly' what I'm sad about, and it reminds me of the first very big and horrible fight Nick and I had where he asked me what I liked about him...and truth be told, even though back then I'd convinced myself I wanted to be with him, I really couldn't articulate what it was about him I liked...

I think that basically, I just wanted anyone to like me, to prove that I was worthy...funny thing is, as I type this I feel better and I feel a smile emerging - when I realise that perhaps the only person I needed to like me, to love me, is me....

it's been a long journey with him and truthfully, I wish I'd had the courage to cut him off outside of work long long ago...

fear (yes, bloody fear) has always made me keep him onside previously, but what am I afraid of?

he can have no influence over my career, altho he could turn on me against SM...sure, and if this happened and I said to SM, well you know we used to date so most likely it's sour grapes, that would undermine his credibility

my boss already know and she doesn't care

he could stop doing stuff for me at work, but really, I pretty much no longer ask him for anything.,..

bottom line is this: he's had many occasions on which he could have shared with me the truth and he has failed to do so - I see this, and not for the first time, as deceptive and weak (note to self: these are NOT qualities I like in a person, and certainly are not qualities I'm looking for in any friendship/relationship)...

so, to remind myself of the many things about him I neither like, admire, nor want in a friend or partner:
 - deceptive
 - selfish
 - incapable of the sort of emotional interaction I would like
 - makes no attempt to better himself/grow
 - cannot communicate
 - is happy to criticise others
 - smokes
 - has lied to me
 - suspect he's kept me on side with no thought of my feelings
 - messed me around
 - smokes
 - is not well respected at work
 - treats his family appallingly
 - drinks too much
 - has some mental health issues (been there done that, cannot do it again)
 - likes to gossip
 - always thinks about himself
 - has never put himself on the line for me even though I've gone out on a limb to support him
 - is a crap manager
 - never goes the extra mile
 - does the bare minimum to get by
 - is lazy
 - doesn't care what people think of him at all (usually I'd envy this!)

that's enough really - don't you think?

and sure, it still hurts that small part of me that wanted to be with him - the pattern, the old young Sarah who so desperately wanted him to love her - same part of me that's wanted my mother's love, and Chris and Ben and all the others before him.....

so, when I started writing today's post I had in mind to lament emotions...but really, they are good...the last coupla years have been an amazing journey of growth and I'm proud of myself - proud of where I've got to...

how I've handled the last week is a testament to that: have largely done so alone - no giving in to wanting to talk to someone or him, have missed Leah (another story) but still, I've relied on me, and you know what? I've done well...

so, will go to bed with mixed emotions, but know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now...

nite x