is not really serving me right now...
so it really was a big week at work, and big does not necessarily equate to good - lots of 'feedback' conversations with one member of my team, a team discussion where i expressed my discontent at some of my priorities which just weren't a priority for them, me feeling a bit 'bad' that i'd let my frustration bubble over into something not quite as constructive as i'd like, but of course i'm big enough to say sorry and make amends (this is something i love about myself even though i'd prefer not to have to make apologies, but i'm human, so occasionally it's gonna happen), then following my previous feedback to 'new guy' and feedback from our boss to him he emailed to say he'd like to catch up and one item to talk about was our work relationship - so i was excited and hopeful and in some way thinking that he must have had some time to reflect on the impact he's been having (not just on me as it turns out but on a broader audience, including his own team, most of whom think he's a complete and utter dickhead)....
so i go to meeting, he's late (this seems typical) and there's me sort of hoping for an apology from him, or at the least an acknowledgement that perhaps he hasn't being playing nicely, but noooo what i get is what feels like both barrels and him saying there are some 'serious issues on both sides'....fuck, didn't see that coming. so what ensued was in parts a heated discussion, at times me sharing my perspective on things with him (about how my boss likes to run things, why i'm there etc etc) and i'm certain i probably will end up regretting being so candid with him...there were a few moments were he seemed to have understood the feedback he was given by our boss (and i essentially knew what would be said as she spent an hour on the phone with me preparing for the conversation with him - that's my job after all)...but seriously, it could not have gone worse even if i'd imagined it....i think he still has NO clue about how he comes across, despite myself, another colleague and our boss giving him feedback....and to make matters worse i am certain he is a pathological liar - not once but twice he has lied to me which makes me think that perhaps FC is right (he thinks he's mentally imbalanced!) and that i'm on a hiding to nothing - because no matter what the truth is, he'll find a way to create his own version of the truth which he will stick to....
frankly, it's a nightmare and one i don't want to be dealing with, but what alternative have i got? worse thing is that he said that him and all of his direct reports find dealing with my team an obstacle and that we all pretty much always say no....that is complete and utter bullshit, especially given how hard we have worked to build a relationship with them and assist in cleaning up some of their crap - still, i'll take on the feedback and look within myself to see if i have contributed to this and if i can do things differently going forward, but it occurs to me that i have been in this job for 16 months, and worked for our boss, for nearly a year before that, that she hand picked me into this role and in the time we've worked together she has never taken me aside and given me the sort of feedback she had to give him...and yes, i have had the sort of typical relationship forming challenges that is typical in my role (after all, a lot of the time i'm there to give the bad news), and yes i've had some heart to hearts with colleagues so we can move forward - but none because people have complained to her about me...which is what has happened to him after only 7 weeks in the job...
and i'm feeling bad? and inadequate? fuck, seriously....i should take a long hard look in the mirror, remind myself how i was feeling just the other day (creative following a break, valued, comfortable in the knowledge that i am making a difference etc) and not let the behaviour of one new, insecure, highly paid (in fact over paid in my humble opinion), possibly mental imbalanced, complete and utter dickhead sway my sense of self...
but, as Sal pointed out to me, i tend to let this happen - FC was one example of it, and this twat is another....and then Leah pointed out to me that she thinks this is common to my relationship with ESTJ's or ISTJ's....and whilst I don't know what his profile is, I'm pretty certain, based on behaviour that he'd have to be either an ESTJ or and ISTJ....even though he says he's big picture, the amount of detail i see him going into would indicate an S, although he is new so may just be getting up to speed - either way, this is clear: i don't like him, i don't trust him and i need to find a way to not let him get under my skin...big task that one!
so of course that, being tired, having had a drink last night, and then spending the afternoon on my own allowing myself to let what he said get to me, resulting in me thinking i'm not good enough just upset me.....got myself worked into quite a tiz, observed myself spiralling into 'i'm not good enough' thinking (not a great place to be on a saturday afternoon), found myself starting to imagine him saying to me 'do you have a partner?' and then starting to feel inadequate about that too...
fuck, is this for real? this is someone who came highly recommended, is supposed to have good management/leadership capability....i think not!
anyway, i feel better having purged here, i've had a nice day, despite probably letting my emotions get the better of me....
otherwise, it's been a big week on other fronts too: my friend Sarah's baby died, went to the funeral on Wed (very difficult) but BD kindly came with me, realised as we were sitting in the chapel and he grabbed my hand that he wasn't relationship material and then he was cranky with me Thursday as i happened to admit that something FC did annoyed me and he let it rip....which in turn caused me to think that he'd crossed the line - in telling me that i should lie to FC, tell him i was seeing someone else, and that he needed to leave me alone - part of me thought it cute that he is very protective of me, another part of me felt annoyed that he doesn't trust me to sort it out myself...interesting as i felt he'd crossed a boundary and turns out i am becoming much more adept at creating and maintaining boundaries - go figure! loving that...so much so, last week when FC and i were having a chat/text, he put a 'x' after saying goodnight and i asked him if he thought that was appropriate? funny how far things have come, or really, funny how far I have come...
and in another twist of irony, FC asked me yesterday how i was going with my book and had i written anymore in the last 8 months...really? hasn't yet sunk into his head that the entire time we were together or the months afterwards where i was trying to put myself back together, might not be the optimal time to finish a novel about choices and love? one more nail in his coffin...not to mention he tells me the same stuff over and over, really only seems to want to have contact with me when he wants me to listen to him (and admittedly he's very supportive of me at work), but really, what else is there?
i think perhaps that i hoped that he would be something he's not and really, if i'd not had my blinkers on or been so keen for him to become this mythical person i hoped he would be, maybe i would not have been so hurt....
oh well! seems i've learned a lesson: that hoping someone will be something is very very different to seeing them for who they are and accepting that....
and so, as i get ready to turn my light off and go to sleep, i feel a bit better than i did only hours ago....so, nite!
ps and sure i've probably not written about everything i wanted to say about this week, but i can do that tomorrow...
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