so this morning, I decided to throw myself into the task of sorting out the library cupboard! no small task I can tell you...
and for the most part I found it stuffed with bills and bank statements of times gone by, odd snippets of my life in the form of pictures I used to have on the walls of the study, pre renovation, cards from birthdays past that I've held onto, stamps I collected as a child...
and some photos...
and that's where my trip down memory lane started...
I uncovered a handful of notes from Ben, photos of us in happier times....photos from the early days, photos from my 40th, and notes that he'd written me throughout our relationship...bundled together and hidden away from view...
my initial reaction was happiness, and remembering the good times we'd had together, and then I just became sad....
sad because even though there were some good times, great times on occasion, it was a difficult relationship to be in, and even though pictures are said to tell a thousand words, perhaps they don't always tell the real story...
on the face of it, I do look happy in the photos, but they don't tell the story of the turmoil...of the inner voice that was telling me it would never work
and maybe it just wasn't the right time for me, or maybe I was just too afraid of being single again, or maybe it was just that I hadn't yet learned to put my needs ahead of someone elses....
either way it's made for a rather contemplative, at times melancholic and nostalgic day
Ben liked taking photos, and in our time together there are a few good ones....the ones I like best, even back then, where the ones where he looked happy...
it's hard being with something who suffers from depression, and unfortunately for us, a major depressive episode early on in our relationship set the tone for the rhythm between us...
I don't think it ever really recovered from that, and I don't think I did...
in stumbling across the photos and notes from Ben, I remembered some of the times we had together, and some of the nicknames we had for each other...
his names for me: PC (Princess Cupcake), miss Penelope, squiggle bear
some of my name for him: HP (handsome pants), Monty and snoozy bear
i try not to look back, but it's hard not to remember the good times and the people who meant something to you...
and he did mean something to me - he meant a lot to me
i guess what you realise eventually is that the pain goes away, but the good memories find their way to the top, so going down memory lane is nowhere near as painful....eventually
i loved you Ben, and i know you loved me....wishing you only happiness now x
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