directionless...

so, the last few days has been kinda stressful - filled with fear and a healthy dose of self loathing and of course the shame...

this isn't helped by the perfectionist in me, but she is a big part of why I'm in the situation I'm in

and how would I categorise that? well, basically a staff member I deem to be incompetent and did not choose, has raised concerns about my behaviour towards her...

and hand on heart, being as honest as I can be, she has good reason to, notwithstanding that a big part of the frustration I've let spill over into my conversations with her, is because of her...

however, I'm her boss, I'm supposed to be better equipped to deal with that - yes! and true, I should also be supported, which I have not been..

anyway, reasons and excuses aside it has left me filled with fear and back in a familiar thinking pattern of wondering how I can escape :-(

it hasn't been a good few days, but on the other hand, it's been one where I've had to confront a number of things which have been issues my whole life and in today's era of industrial relations, I need to make some changes...

it's funny, if it were a manager/staff member I were helping with this, I'd be telling them not to beat themselves up and to ask for help and find support...I'd also be looking at whether they'd ever had any formal training...

well of course when I look at myself - I've had no formal training, bugger all good role models (both in my personal and work life) and I try and fix everything myself...

so I'm going to ask my boss if he'll consider a coach for me and then perhaps i'll get some traction on this...

the issues are deep and compounded...they start with my relationship with my mother and how she deals with things - she was for many years the role model (she's reactive and I've developed that...), the sexual assault by my so called best friend has left me not able to trust anyone, the need for approval has driven an absolute unspoken commitment to perfection and an irrational fear of failure - I've hidden behind this as a manager by describing myself as tough but fair, but I've realised that the support and compassion I'd like when I'm not perfect, isn't what I offer to staff I've already assumed are incompetent...

so, not a great place to be but at least I'm aware, and I'm willing to change, I'm willing to ask for help and admit I'm not perfect...

but the fear remains....and honestly, that's left me wondering whether I should just run away...I won't, but it is tempting...

and of course, I'm now pretty sure, after this contract ends on 26 April 2018, i'll walk away from corporate life...

it's just not for me - sure, I'm good at many many elements of it, but right now I'm in the midst of a huge confidence crisis and questioning whether I'm a good manager....

so, what am I going to do:
 - firstly, I'm going to try and breathe
 - I'm going to try and understand my triggers
 - I'm going to treat the said employee with compassion and work hard on containing frustration at work - surely there is a constructive way to deal with stuff (not in her case as it's pretty much due to 3 things: a) her ESL issue which means I need to rewrite every piece of work she does b) I have made no personal connection with her as all she does is work and go home so there seems to be no point of connection (this rarely if ever happens to me) and c) I have written her off, so in my mind there is no coming back and this merely adds to my frustration...

so from Monday I'm going to do a reframe:
a) treat her with compassion (try and remember everyone is fighting their own battle and doing their best)
b) remember she will be leaving in September
c) use the time as a learning exercise in working out how to manage frustration at work 
d) being grateful to the universe that this learning has presented itself; and
e) try not to live in fear the whole time...

I hate that I'm still so afraid of what my parents would say if things went pear shaped and also my Uncle following the awful conversation I had with him on 6 March (where he basically told me my life was a mess)....


ok, bed is calling...nite!
ps it was called directionless coz that's how I feel - I feel like my life has no direction and is going nowhere, and I wish I could find the courage to just walk away and do what I want...more to follow on that!