all I am is sad, disappointed, lonely, and pretty annoyed with myself...
see, a couple of months ago, after FC had let me down one too many times, I told him I didn't want any out of work contact - something I probably should have done years ago, but the fear of what that would actually mean (which I think in reality, is nothing) stopped me...
so when I eventually did it, I actually think it was a relief, and for a period of time until a ridiculous accusation was made about me at work, I enjoyed no contact...
I enjoyed no rollercoaster - and really, any sort of relationship with FC is a rollercoaster, for me...
and yes, I should know better - we've been down this road before, so many times, you'd think someone as smart as me would know to stay away, to know that my expectations of him as a friend will never be met, and that eventually, he'll disappoint me or worse, hurt my feelings...
and yep, here we are again....
I no longer want my mood to be impacted by how I respond to him or his behaviour and I am not blaming him - on the contrary, I know I'm responsible for letting him back in, and for how I let it impact me...
but still....
I wonder when enough will be enough - I thought I'd cracked it last year (yes, now it's new years day, it was last year)....
seems it's a slippery slope and as we work together, meaning, we see each other a lot, I seemingly just can't find the balance which helps me....
so in the latest drama (and it is a drama - and it's boring and I'm over it) he's got his knickers in a knot coz I've done my job - bottom line is, he knows where his shortcomings are (in a professional sense), won't do anything about them, and now that it's an issue (it is - how on earth can we attract the right person to do the role in his team when he is the manager - with little or no managerial capability, absolutely no capacity to inspire/motivate people, and none of the skills which we want in this person) I'm sure he's pissed off I'm not 100% in his corner...
and I'm annoyed because I've been in his corner for years, and as a friend and the head of my function, have gently tried to support and encourage him...but no, he's done nothing...
so his knickers are in a knot, I send a lovely NY text wishing him a happy new year and thanking him for his support in 2014 and nothing - not even an acknowledgement or reply
it's rude - he's rude (and I've known this for ever!)....so why the hell do I continue to expect that he's going to change and turn into a decent person
what I also realised today as I've spent the entire day in my cocoon trying to make head and tails of it all is that really, he's only really there for me when there's something in it for him...he makes contact with me when he wants to whinge or tell me something - and sure I occasionally do that, but I find myself supporting him and propping him up, way more than he does for me in return! and yes, on those big occasions, he's been there for me, but mostly, it's me listening to him whinge, letting him have him melt downs and work through his paranoia
as I type this I'm angry! good, anger is good....
angry too that he's gotten under my skin again and angry that his incompetent and inexperienced new boss (whom we both dislike, and certainly don't trust) has done his best to get between us....
so, true I'm feeling vulnerable and hurt, and sure, some of my feeling will be nothing to do with FC but the fact that for yet another year I remain single with nothing on the horizon...and I'm a bit lonely, and feeling sorry for myself...and I'm worried about my Mum but don't seem to be able to find a nice/good way to bring it up with her...
so, I've spent the day watching one of my fave TV shows, in the hope of drowning out all the unhelpful and negative self talk - it's sort of worked, but not entirely...
so, on this 1st day of 2015, a year in which I have high hopes for myself, it has been a slow, and contemplative start....
posts to come are - 2014, the year in review and 2015, my goals for self...
so, it's not exactly a happy new year....
sigh!
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