on the eve of my 46th birthday....

yep, 46! can you believe it? i can't....

on the eve of my 46th birthday and the start of my 47th year, I feel pretty good (bar the hideous itchy arms that is)...

the lead up to Christmas, new year and then my birthday is, and this year hasn't been any different, a time of reflection and often sadness for me as I approach yet another 'holiday season' single and wondering how that can be...

and so whilst I had a lovely xmas (Mum and Dad came to mine for the first time), a great Boxing Day with family/friends and of course some cricket, a nice NYE with Sara and her parents, the days in between were pretty bleak...

the decision to trust someone at work who then tried to get between FC and I created a lot of unnecessary stress for me (now resolved) and I think started the spiral...

altho admittedly, I had been flat for a few days in the lead up to that....

but as I approach the big birthday tomorrow, and a lovely lunch with some of my girlfriends to look forward to, I feel good

content, but determined to change some things, grateful for so much and for so many lovely people in my life, and even though I desperately want a new job, I'm thankful I have a well paying job that mostly I enjoy, and which allows me to live the life I want to live...

I'm grateful for my sister - following our chat last night where I blubbed, I actually feel much better! and I realised that sometimes the best way to deal with whatever is troubling us is to have someone witness it, share it....

so as I turn in on my final night of being 45, sure life ain't exactly where I may have hoped it would be, but it's still pretty good...

ps things with FC and I are always going to be more than friends but less than something special, but one thing I really like about him is that he doesn't hold a grudge - he deals with it and moves on and I think I could learn that from him!