caught out...

and no, this is not a post about cricket, although I could (and will) in due course share my thoughts and feelings in relation to Phil Hughes death...for now, simply, devastating...

so today was my 2nd day back at work after a 4 week holiday - and it's HARD to go back after you've been away for so long, especially when for some time you have been considering leaving...in fact, I would go so far as to say that for as long as I've been at said employer, I've spent more time thinking about leaving than I have about staying...in itself, that's rather a frightening observation and one which perhaps I should give some more thought to in coming weeks/months...

as ever, there is a financial pull, and I'm not proud of that, but one needs money in this life and so whilst I may not be pleased that it's one reason I stay, I'm a realist under this dreamlike (at times) exterior, and walking away from a good salary with nothing to go to, is just not going to assist my levels of stress...instead of worrying about what my boss is going to do next, i'll be worrying about where my next pay cheque will come from...seems a small sacrifice in the meantime to suck it up then until I get a new job...

but I digress! today, and I'm definitely not proud to admit this (and my internal voice is saying "I wonder if you would still write this if the blog were public"...hard to know is the answer) my boss told me that a former senior exec at our company (whom I've never met) had emailed her whilst I was away to ask her for some advice - the advice being that he claims that over a number of years it's gotten back to him that I've said less than complimentary things about him

of course I was horrified, and asked her for his number so I could contact him to a) put the record straight and b) apologise for any misunderstanding...

so, I'm not going to get into the boring detail other than to say in early November I was at a function - I was introduced to a woman who told me she worked at xx, earlier in 2014 I was approached for that role, and withdrew as $$ wasn't anywhere near enough...I congratulated her, and when she mentioned the former exec of my company, who now works at her company, I think I may have said 'he'd be interesting to work for'....

she has played this back to him as 'I would hate to work with him'....and he (or my boss, who read me the email but didn't send it on - and seriously she is prone to both exaggeration and lying) claims that this isn't the first time he's heard such a comment

bizarre! so, whilst I may well have said something which could be misconstrued or taken the wrong way, I am CERTAIN I did not say what has been reported to him...why would I? I don't even know the man...

funny though, is that whilst I don't know him, I do know about his reputation, which wasn't overly positive - sure he was smart and funny and challenged things (I think this is good) but he was also known to have some very unconstructive work relationships at my workplace and be a bit of an arrogant bastard - these are not words I've ever used to describe him to strangers!

so, I feel bad, I do, I feel embarrassed, and I feel caught out...and sure, maybe I'm beating myself up, but in my heart of hearts I know that I can occasionally be indiscreet, and whilst it doesn't come from a malicious place, still, indiscretion is indiscretion and I'm neither happy about that aspect of self nor proud of it...

I suspect, and this may be a topic for my therapist if I can get over the shame, that sometimes I say things when trying to impress others that come off wrong or can be misconstrued, or perhaps, are embellished...the therapist in me is trying to work this out myself...

bottom line is I probably do this when I'm feeling insecure or needing to prove myself: useful to know that about myself and something to work on...

sometimes being caught out is good - sure it can feel a little uncomfortable but really, it's an opportunity to look in the mirror, take stock and decide how to be/behave going forward...

so universe, thank you for giving me this opportunity to become a better person and to live more in line with my values....:-)