that's when I last posted, and honestly, so much has happened in that time....and still, I've resisted posting! and truth is at times I couldn't be bothered, other times I was too tired, other times too emotional and mostly I think I've been avoiding it...
see, the process of posting for me is usually (not always) a way for me to deal with what's going on I my world, and it helps me to make sense of it all, in my own way...
guess truth is, it's been a very challenging few months, on multiple levels, and I've been a bit unsure of how I would react emotionally to posting about it...
so here goes! in no particular order what's been happening is this:
- friendship with someone who for the last 3-4 years I considered one of my best friends has deteriorated...since late last year it's changed, she's pulled away, had a breakdown (actually, not me being dramatic), resisted my offers to catch up so eventually I gave up, then when she's feeling better, she wants to catch up - I was tentative, afraid of being hurt and had gotten used to not having her in my life, so instead of just saying 'sure' like I've done before, I stopped to think about whether I wanted her in my life...realised I probably didn't, despite how occasionally lonely it's been - but having dealt with loneliness in my relationship with Ben, as well as mental illness, I knew that wasn't a good enough reason to just do what she was asking - there needed to be something in it for me, and honestly, before the day her husband conceived of bullying me into talking to her (another story!), I was feeling happy and positive and for the first time in ages good! unsure if Nick was any part of that (yet another story - see, too much happens in 3 months!)....
- during that time Nick seemed to edge his way back in and we'd gotten to what I thought was a nice happy place - me not wanting anything other than friendship (has taken me best part of 2 years to get there) and then him getting too close (I think - he hasn't said as much, as if he would) and pulling away resulting in me being hurt actually....so now I'm trying to make no contact as frankly, I'm sick of the pattern with him, I told him I wanted nothing from him except constancy - he can't even do that, so really, no point in even trying to pretend we are friends....he probably has no idea how dysfunctional he can be, but I no longer want a part of it...
- the Sunday that said friends husband decided to intimidate and bully me and try to lay a guilt trip on me - claiming the 'fallout' for him and their 6 year old child was my fault (really - he's been nothing short of a fuckwit to her for most of our friendship, but now I'm not there to play the role he should have been playing all along, and because she pushed me away, I'm to blame...)...seriously, get a life! well I stood up for myself like I never have before and I found myself angrier than I have ever felt...forced me into a conversation with her (needed it to stop as I was seriously afraid - also he's a cop - did I mention that? so even more threatening...) that I wasn't ready to have, and for me, I think that was the death-knell....if our friendship had any hope, after that, I think it killed it...and don't get me wrong, decisions like this aren't quick and aren't without pain for me, but honestly my life was simpler and happier for those few months without her in it...that says a lot really :-(
- then there's work - fuck, work! I am beyond over that place...have done my 3 years now, and ever since 18 July (my 3 year anniversary) I can honestly say that I have had itchy feet! in my head when I started I committed to 3 years, now that has come and gone, I have spent so much time wondering what if...of course, the health scare of May, has contributed to that, in a good way I think, although I feel very unsettled right now...
- my other 2 best friends are also doing it tough, one suffering from situational depression (altho sounded a bit better today thankfully) and the other going thru a marriage breakdown...so add to that the loss of above friendship, Nick's continuing inconsistency which I do find hurtful (there, I've said it), the resignation and departure of a former team member who I miss (although a small part of me is still annoyed that she crossed the line when providing feedback to me - i'll eventually get over it!), I've been mainly doing things on my own for months...
and that's not sooo bad! I'm pretty resilient, I've learned to look after myself better, I've learned to be on my own side, to consider my needs and to listen to what's important to me....but still, I'm a wee bit lonely. guess if I had a partner all of this stuff wouldn't have been so challenging? maybe, maybe not....
so, that's been the last 3 months, well the 20,000 foot version....I've had some good days, I've had some crap days, I've not been well, and since the intimidation from the husband, I've had hives/associated stress rash which has not gone away yet! thanks....
so, what have I learned:
- I'm resilient
- i'd rather have no contact with Nick than the flip flopping bullshit he does
- I want a new job and I'm actively looking for my next opportunity
- if that doesn't eventuate by June 2015, I might just resign and go to NYC...
- less than 3 months to my holiday (can't wait)...
- it's good to have a project to focus the mind and I'm enjoying the novel writing program I'm doing - have had some great feedback, now just need to make some structural changes and incorporate the feedback, oh and write a climax! no pressure...
anyway, I'm tired, so at least some of the last 3 months is documented....
nite x
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