we're friends and

I love you, but you're not invited to my 40th...

hmmm! well, seems the universe concocted the ultimate test for me this time - and I've done myself proud...

so since our fateful conversation on 23 September, only 2 days before his 40th birthday, where it slipped that he was in fact having a party after all, and I wasn't invited....I have virtually not said a single word to him since...

barring the necessary work dialogues, which have, thankfully, remained reasonably professional and normal - if anything between FC and I can be classified 'normal'...

inconceivable really but nearly 3 weeks on i'm doing remarkably well, and in fact, am somewhat grateful that the universe forced my hand...

reality is, for well over a year I have struggled to give him up, to realise that our out of work contact was a routine, a routine that led to false hope and ultimately sadness for me....

and mostly I feel good...whilst initially I missed our week night texting sessions, now I am thankful for the silence...and sure, he thinks he was doing the right thing not inviting me, but I just feel used...

for the best part of 18 months he has used me - used me to whinge to, to support him emotionally, to listen to his crap (which at times was boring and repetitive)...and for what?

so onwards and upwards...for a week or so I was chatting with a guy on eharmony but I called a halt to that following the horror conversation with boss...(see next post)

right now, other than pulling myself together, looking for a new job and finishing my renovations, I don't really have time for anything else....

so it seems the social experiment with FC is over....

ps Bec is convinced we'll end up friends, and that the reason I have a connection with him and can't explain why I wanted to be with him is that we are in some sense soul mates, and whilst in this life we are not intended to be together romantically, the connection is old and strong....we'll see! right now, I can't imagine wanting him in my life