to occasionally have not so positive thoughts about friends, but I feel incredibly guilty when it happens to me...
fuck, wonder if that's a hangover from my childhood too - you know, always needing to be the nice girl, looking after everybody else before me blah blah blah
so it's been an interesting few weeks, interesting good in that I seem to have finally cottoned on to my process - in light of the conversation with my boss (which was a horror) I seemed to have done the roller coaster of emotions and have now come out at something that resembles, I think, resignation...acceptance would be going too far but resignation seems appropriate
ironically I haven't tendered my resignation - rather I feel resigned to being there for perhaps longer than I'd like to be, and in coming to that conclusion it seems there has been something of a reprioritisation...
yes, so that's not such a bad thing, although ultimately staying there and working for her would be untenable, but in the short term, or even medium term, whilst I look for the next opportunity, I can make it work for me...yes financially it's ok, i'd like to be paid more in comparison to peers, but standalone I get paid pretty well, finish reno's, attempt to finish book, continue with the great work i'm doing there, go on more great holidays...yes, it's true this job affords me lots of positives! despite the reality that in fact I find myself working for someone who has little or no integrity, lies and who would put financial gain above everything else, including people...not my cup of tea really! but in the short term, a means to an end....
so I guess in a way I should be thanking her - because in her ridiculously childish and personal reaction she has prompted me to really think about what I want and reality is, working with her ain't it, so I guess that's a good thing...I got a much needed kick up the arse! thanks universe....
anyway, I've digressed - nothing new there...so a couple of times when one of my bff's has come to work (she is doing some work for us) I have not been happy to see her....
and I feel bad even writing that down, but this is private and i'm desperately trying to identify what's actually going on...
there is an element of resentment in that in some way she is doing what i'd like to be doing (meaning running own business working in area of coaching and leadership), but mostly I think it's because when she comes there I feel judged...and that's because I think she expects me to be some perfect manager/leader and not ever let my personal feelings impact on how other see me...and sure, that might be how she is, but that isn't for me, it isn't who I am and I think even if I tried to carry it off, I wouldn't be being honest with myself or others - to me that simply isn't authentic...
then there's the nagging thought that has (as far as I can recall) only twice popped into my head and that's just how easy I think she has it sometimes (re my workplace, not in general): it's easy for her to turn up and be happy to see everyone, but I am there every day, when it's good and when it's bad, I have a boss I don't trust, and who doesn't really share my values, I fell in love with someone there who then told me he didn't want to be with me and I have to see him 5 days a week...i'm not lonely in that I have a network of people there (which I love)....and there are days when I simply resent her coming there and being all happy and light and expecting me to be the same...
and as I type that I wonder if she expects that or if this is some ridiculous expectation I have of myself...I've sort of mentioned it to her once before and whilst I can't remember what she said, i'm certain she would have said she wasn't judging me....
so why do I feel judged when she's there? why do I think everyone thinks how wonderful she is but that i'm not that wonderful - and then I start remembering how cool it was when I could just drop in and everyone thought I was wonderful...guess there's a part of me that misses that...and a bigger part that doesn't as working for myself was mostly lonely and then there was the added downside of the need to source business/sell....
so, question is, were the bad thoughts really about her or are they entirely my own, entirely of my own creation?
not sure, but i'm tired and i'm still annoyed with Nick - so the last few nights he's seen fit to make contact with me to do his usual whinge...I really don't want to get back into that routine with him and yet it's easy to think of it as potentially appealing - it won't be...it'll end like it always does with him getting me to listen to and support him and me, well we know how this is gonna go
what I really want to say to him is that I feel like a dirty little secret and that I wasn't good enough for him to tell people we are friends...
i'm so annoyed with him - at least I've told him that but still...what i'd dearly love is a workplace where he isn't there...
oh well, must go to bed...nite x
No comments:
Post a Comment