are written here...
funny, I wrote this months ago and my fear of how he would react stopped me from sending it...but months later, I said it all anyway, and then the universe let me see you for who you are....so, back then, this is what I wanted to say....now, it doesn't need to be said! funny thing is, when I eventually did raise some of this stuff, it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be....:-)
nick
i have stopped myself from writing this so many times, fearing that if i do you will treat me differently at work, hold it against me, or think i'm mental...but actually, i need to say something as i don't think you have any idea how your behaviour towards me impacts me
i haven't told you this because i am so afraid of what it will mean at work where i like and value the working relationship we have built, and would not want to jeopardise that, but truth is, i am more important than any relationship i have at work....
i'm afraid in telling you that you may react badly to this, although truth be told i've always admired how you react to things so perhaps you won't and you'll know that this is coming from a place of me looking after me, rather than me trying to hurt you - i would never set out to hurt you, i hope you know that...but it seems i have always put other people's needs ahead of mine and you are no different there - even when i knew i should cut you off after you hurt me i couldn't, because i like and care about you, but for my own happiness i should have
and the fear of how you might treat me at work has made me put my own needs on the back burner, but reality is this, if we didn't work together we would have had no contact post your decision....
and i have no idea if this will be difficult for you or if you'll really miss the contact we have - i have and always will trust you, i appreciate that i can talk to you at work and everything you do for me, but Nick i can no longer bear the out of works texts (the i'm in times square, photo of my carpet) and it pains me to say this as i wanted nothing more to be 'someone' in your life....but reality is we didn't want the same things then and even as 'friends' we don't want the same thing....
outside of work, there is nothing between us...from where i sit we aren't friends, even though you have said that's what you want...and sure we've tried it every which way possible, but seems it just can't be....sometimes you are friendly, sometimes you are cold, sometimes you treat me with complete indifference, other times you reach out to me, but mostly you are just inconsistent and i no longer want there to be this dynamic between us...and i wish it didn't bother me Nick, but it does...and that does my head in more than you know...
you had your chance with me and you said you didn't want it, so please do the unselfish thing and let me be....please....
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