if we were truly

friends, then i'd be able to share with you what's really going on for me,,,yes?

yes!

but I can't, and that's because we can't be friends - how do you suddenly just go from being with someone to being friends? sure, some people may be able to but I can't and for the last 15 months I have tried so hard to do that, but I can't...it doesn't work for me and now that I've tried to be vulnerable and explain that, I feel worse.....

I sent an email trying to explain where I was at, he responded - but the one thing he distinctly didn't respond to was the nature of his relationship with her.....he has always maintained she wasn't his girlfriend, but now I've seen her stuff at his place, she's texted him multiple times when I've been having a drink with him, i'm left with no other conclusion....

and then, to add insult to injury, he tells me 'I love you, I respect you, I admire you...our relationship can't be what you want it to be'....can't not won't....is this him again saying he isn't up to it? can't give me what I want because he knows i'll demand more than he has to offer? that's what Bec thinks...

truth is I felt good after my reading with her yesterday - empowered, strong, and that really he can't be with me because he knows I deserve more, because he knows he can't live up to what I want...and yet tonight, i'm sad....

I really don't want to see him at work - I don't want to have to 'deal' with it 5 days a week - I don't want to have to feel that i'm not good enough even though he's probably the one feeling that - coz truly, I feel like someone who probably doesn't deserve me has rejected me......and i'm left wondering universe, if it's ever going to be my turn...

i'm someone who has so much to offer and I seem to offer it to the wrong sort of men - question is will I ever offer it to the right sort of man?

will I ever get to a point where FC is just someone I used to work with, or better, someone I think 'who?' in years to come?

what hurts me the most is that he was sleeping with her, he stopped for a little while, led me up a garden path, slept with me, then dumped me, and then went straight back to shagging her....

it's just too much, and sure, I shouldn't care, but I do and I really don't know how to let him go, let my hope that he might one day turn up and be what I want him to be......

so i'm sad, I have no idea how to be friends with this man and if i'm honest, i'm afraid that if I cut off all non work contact maybe that will push him over the edge into making her his girlfriend...and sure, it's not like i'm crazy about him, he's in the line of fire as Bec would say - meaning, I want to be in a relationship and he's just there, so maybe I think he's the one I want to be with, deep down I know he isn't, but he's around.....

and therein lies the problem - if we didn't work together, he simply wouldn't be around.....

fuck, I am so over this - it's exhausting, it's holding me back and I am over it!