so yes, 15 days since i last blogged and suddenly i do feel as though i've turned a corner....so the boundary with FC does seem to be having a positive effect on me...added to that i am no longer sugar coating stuff with him, i am trying to 'hold him to account' in the friendship stakes meaning, if he really wants to be my friend, then i'd like him to behave like one - is that too much to ask? really? seems he's NOT really up for it though, and this shouldn't be a surprise to me - of course it is - i'm an optimist, or perhaps in this instance a dreamer, a little delusional....he's hardly ever given me reason to believe he has what it takes, and since the big 'hair cut' he is just about the only person in my world to have said nothing....yep, you read it correctly, nothing....
unbefuckinglievable really - not exactly friendship material! and what is even more amusing, in a twisted sort of a way, is just HOW many chances i give this man? what is wrong with me? and this ain't just the dreamer in me - this is way more serious!
anyway, after some prodding he finally gives in and says 'it looked very nice' but doesn't want to talk to me if he can't whinge about his day...funny, not long after we'd split i remember an email where he said i needed someone at home who would support me - and when i think about it, i think he said it coz he isn't it and maybe on some level he knew that...i also remember another time, much earlier on, where he said it made him sad he couldn't give me what i wanted...yep, i shoulda read the signs: this man has never thought he could give me what i wanted, has probably never felt up to being the man i want to be with in a relationship, but instead of really trying, of really pushing himself, he threw the towel in....and whilst that makes me a little sad, i also think well i deserve more! i deserve someone who'll fight to be with me, who'll work harder at being a better person...not just for me, but perhaps in some way, because of me?
i don't think that's too much to ask...no i don't....and funny, since i had my hair cut (8 inches gone - cool sixties type long bob) i feel freer, lighter, and less encumbered - funny how a physical change can bring about such an emotional/mental change....well not really!
i feel as though i am finally stepping into myself - into my purpose...it's cool - i feel as though i have been on the cusp for some time and i've been in the midst of a thick grey cloud - a fog that wouldn't lift, seemed every time i could see the light another storm drifted in...but finally the skies are blue, there's a rainbow whenever there is rain (there was in fact, a rainbow today)...and i feel good...
so, 15 days since i last blogged and how different i feel - positive, comfortable, more confident, and determined to make a difference - i have that creative 'i want to change the world' thinking and energy...love it, just gotta harness it!
and it's also been 4 years today....4 years since my beautiful Granda died...truly one of the saddest days of my life, but it makes me happy to know that for 40 wonderful years he was my mentor, my friend and one of my biggest advocates....he taught me so much about life and about being a good person, really, who could ask for more? my fondest childhood, and some of my adulthood ones too, memories include him....rest in peace beautiful man - miss you always....
and of course, this time 4 years ago i came home to hear he had died, my dad half way around the world, jobless and directionless...on that day i lost so much...and then i found myself...
and this time last year, well that was an entirely different story - in the midst of the FC induced heartache after he did his first 'silent' thing....wow! i still like him, but i am now really seeing him for what he is rather than what i want him to be....
amazing how different things can look 4 years on....and sure i'm still looking for that seemingly elusive significant other but i think he is closer than ever....
next chapter: friendship, commitment and getting ready....
nite xx
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