amazing how different someone

looks, through the eyes of another...

yes, so thursday was a day that i had not been looking forward to for months and months...yes, the day that FC would be in my 'classroom' (as it were)....a participant (unwilling mostly) in mine and Leah's training programme...

got off to a bit of a rocky start - more her than me, but in the end, NOWHERE near as bad as i thought it would be - in itself a lesson: namely that as things are often better in my head than in reality, so they are worse in my head than in reality....a good lesson!

he wasn't overly well behaved - still played on his phone (although infrequently), had numerous cigarette breaks, and abruptly left without a goodbye or thank you, but otherwise, at least made some attempt to contribute....

but not only did i see him as others (and by others i mean his team, his manager, other senior managers) must see him, but Leah also shared with me her observations...

well, that's probably putting it a bit more subtly than she did - when just before the half way point, she quietly says to me 'seriously?' and when i shrug my shoulders, she says simply 'he's repulsive'....

can't really blame her - for nearly a year she's listened to my stories of him and his behaviour and today she got to see him....for the child he is, at his most uncomfortable although he did willingly contribute once or twice, in his smelly, tired state....

admittedly he had sent me a text before it started to say he felt dreadful, hadn't slept etc etc and would i bring him some valium...

so i guess i've started to try and look at him through a different lens myself - not the rose coloured glasses of the person who wants him to like her, approve of her, love her perhaps, but the less rose tinted glasses of someone who does love me already - and sees him for what he is rather than what i want him to be, what i hoped he would be....

and  therein lies a big big stumbling block for me - not like i liked FC for what he was, but for what he might be, with my help, if i fixed him....

god, how addictive is that? that wanting to be needed? that needing to be helpful?

complete and utter mind fuck really.....

yep, so would be naive of me to think that in simply hearing Leah's opinion of him, i would be over him, yes naive, but in seeing it from her perspective rather than just my own, perhaps i've been able to put a bit of distance between us....

and sure, i'm not sure if i could (right now) resist if he were to come running back (he won't).....but truth is, i've seen more of who he is in the last few days than i have in the last year, and that can only be a good thing.....

i'd offered to help him with his cv, and when he called me today from the pub (on his own at 2pm) i realised that he really is lonely, and that his life really isn't on track (my friend E described it as such the other day)......he is not someone who could ever meet me half way, nor could he be what i want in a relationship - in fact, based on the list that Leah and i wrote yesterday, he doesn't even have 10% of what i'm looking for.....and yet!

so what is it then? he needs fixing? needs my help?

yep, good to see that for what it is....and what it is, is my old pattern.....

one i'm going to be my level headed best to be aware of and steer clear of in future....

rose coloured glasses - be gone!