why?

seems to be the only thing i can say....why?

why do i still like him?

why, if he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me does he text me most nights? including friday night to see if i'd had a nice boozy lunch...not even work related! sure, under the guise of 'work' i can see why he might want to talk, but really?

haven't i made it clear enough that i'm done with his mixed messages? like the fact that for almost the entirety of his holiday he was texting me......why? bet he wasn't texting his other 'work colleagues'? or maybe he was...

problem is this: i don't want to be friends, never have, never will, he's not actually friendship material in my opinion (i've said this before), he can be rude, he often drops out of conversations, it's ok for him to contact me but when i contact him i always feel like i'm getting the brush off or i've interrupted him, he simply has no idea! no fucking clue....

and today, on a grey old day where i woke up not feeling the best, it's really gotten to me....and yet i think i still miss him....but do i? do i miss him? or do i miss the idea of someone?

yes that's more likely, coz other than the good conversations we have at work (which are usually work related or about people at work), and the odd laugh (he is funny, gotta admit that) there isn't much there....

in my head i built him up to be someone that had potential to be in a relationship with me, but really, he's not, and frankly, never was :-(

and yet, i can't let go....why? universe please help me work through this....and i think i'm over him, in that i'm no longer an emotional wreck, i am functioning very well, but there are times (fewer and farther between) when i really cannot get him out of my head...

of course, he was in my dream last night - it's always the same thing when he's in the dream - he's there but unreachable! ha, what a laugh....he was always unreachable, even when he was trying to let himself go....

yes, unreachable Nick....and yet i'm reaching....it's part of the old pattern! it has to go, he has to go!