i think the point where

i tell nick that i just can't do this anymore is fast approaching...

so things have been going well, generally, bar the odd issue at work, the amount of pressure that's going round right now, and i've not been initiating contact with him...

this is all good, i've stayed true to not wanting to contact him out of work as i have observed in recent times that every time we have some sort of non work conversation, pretty much, i end up upset in some way...

mainly i feel misunderstood, upset might be too strong a description, but tonight, no, tonight i did feel upset! so much so i had a little cry - been a while since that happened....

so i tell him about a conversation i had with my boss last week - my perf review no doubt, where she asked me a very pointed question and i responded, honestly, assertively and ultimately, vulnerably....i thought it was probably a conversation that we needed to have, i'm proud of how i behaved, i'm proud of what i shared and i am pleased that i did it in a non confrontational, non defensive, but open way....

so i recount this to nick today, and tonight i get a text telling me to be careful and offering some advice - i respond with 'thanks for having my back :-)' and then i get 'yes, but do you know what you are doing?'....seriously? and this is him looking out for me, trying to be nice?

i don't think so...what i think this is is someone who needs to find a reason to contact me outside of work because he's lonely, because i've always been a good listener, and always been there for him - someone who's probably bored in his life (at least, if not in his life at work), and so on a monday  night when he's got nothing to do, he texts me and then proceeds to wind me up....

then, as you would when basically asked if you know what you are doing, i get a wee bit touchy (admittedly, i did)...then i get accused of being grumpy...

seriously, has this guy got no fucking self awareness whatsoever? would seem not....

so i was very close - so very very close to saying 'Nick, i can't do this anymore - it's exhausting'....but something stopped me..

good thing is, i had visualised the words i wanted to write and that's never happened before, so perhaps it's just a matter of time now before he won't get to me...

yes, i think we call this progress even though i had a teary! oh well....

bed is calling....

nite