bye bye 2012

and aren't i glad to see the back of that year?

sure am! i guess i learned a lot, but it was also an extremely difficult, challenging and hurtful year...one that i don't want to have a repeat of anytime soon....

so january, the usual reflection of where i'm at, and a confidence crisis as the girl who was my EA threatens legal action because i treated her badly (which is absolute shit, and that's not must me denying it, but the truth)....so not the best start to the year! highlight of the month was my birthday party with girlfriends at Tessarella House....oh and my little sis turned 40 and we had a nice weekend in Melbs and some tennis

february was the start of the end....meaning, that's the month that Nick and I started working on a project together and consequently a lot of time together...the getting to know each other, the flirting, the friday night calls....Chubbsy 5 (wow, where did the time go)

march much of the same and then finally as the month rolls to an end, the first date approaches....only nice thing in the month really was Kirst's 40th, oh and the annual MCG trek with dad and dan for the season opener (blues won but the season didn't really continue in that vain!)

april altogether crap! first date with Nick on 1 April but also that's the day that Kirst, Heath and the boys leave town for their big round Australia trip, and then the move to Coffs :-( inconsolable after saying goodbye...perhaps not the best day to have a first date? only good thing really to happen in april was the editing course i enrolled in....mum and dad witnessed my first real meltdown (not my proudest moment)

may was difficult, after deciding that we would be 'friends' things seemed to continue to become every more blurred and i found myself becoming really attached to Nick and the idea that we might actually have a relationship....the month is essentially littered with mixed messages....highlight being that i bought a new car!

june was more of the same, then not, then the end....so seems he's incapable of having whatever 'chat' he thinks we need to have, i really fall for him, we end up sleeping together, and then only 2 days after that he calls it quits 'seems we're in a relationship and i don't want to be'....how the hell i picked myself up and went to work the next day i'll never know....but i did....that was the 17th so the remainder of the month was pretty much a blur and one where i spent a lot of time in the Sanctuary....going over and over what i did wrong

july not much better - seems that even though he doesn't want to be with me in a relationship, he can't quite let me go - continued texting, drunken texts telling me he still likes the idea of us etc...any wonder i find it difficult to move on...talk of being friends seems to get us nowhere...

august, and still it drags on! we're still seeing each other outside of work, he's still helping me do stuff (computer, remote control etc) and it's just not helping me at all....but i can't seem to cut him off.  very few highlights this month, but do finally go and see a new naturopath when i finally give in to the fact that early menopause is here to stay....absolute highlight of month was Georgie's arrival on 29th! yay, love that car.....

september, and things are starting to get better, despite me still struggling to put my own needs ahead of his...at least now, the big trip is only a month away! my friendship with BD is in full swing now and i realise how much i like him and in contrast, how nice it is to hang out with a man who can talk about his feelings....and the worst of it all is the night, late in september where he tells me he's been introduced to the blog...eek! so consequently it's now private...what a crappy night that was, but to his credit, he handled it very well and we managed to talk about it before returning to work....in a way, made me realise how much i liked him...he always was calm in the midst of a crisis - or perhaps just not present and silent, and i mistook it for calm...apologised for hurting me so much, guess reading the blog made him realise he really had hurt me....

october - the month i had been waiting just about all year for! on 5th i flew to NYC for 3 weeks - was fabulous! saw good friends, shows, ballet, cousin, shopped lots and generally tried to regain my sense of self....managed to go the entire trip without contacting him (very proud of self)....

november - only shortly after i was home i had a complete and utter meltdown, at him! seemed even though he said he wanted to be friends, he coninued to treat me as though he didn't know me and it hurt me....things sort of improved but i only had to get few a coupla weeks before his NYC trip....

december! the end in sight, he went away on 7th for a month and even though i thought i'd miss him, i enjoyed the break, work was much nicer knowing i wouldn't have to run into him...but he continued to contact me whilst away.....including a text 'i'm in times square'...really? what is the point of that? lovely xmas with the family...a lot of time spent with BD and lots of research done into the upcoming renovations following dinner with a good friend early in month....quiet new years eve with leah....

so, yes, kinda glad that year is done! learned lots, suffered lots, at one point honestly though i was suffering from depression....but hey, it's now nearly my 44th birthday and i'm doing much better...sure, life ain't perfect, but really, what is perfect?

so, 2013 will be my year - a new year, a new start and a chance for something else.....